MEET THE METS, HATE THE METS
Windsor Uses Offensive Onslaught, Wallops Connecticut In Winning Weekend Series From Guns

Windsor, CT (AP)—All right Cannon Nation! Lemme hear ya! Ah-One! Ah-Two! Ah-Three!

Meet the Mets, hate the Mets,
Step right up and castrate the Mets.
Bring the kiddies, bring the wife,
Guaranteed to have the worst time of your life.
Because the Mets are really strokin’ their balls,
Sage Park Stadium’s a glorified bathroom stall.
Hartford, San Juan, everybody’s coming down,
To meet the M-E-T-S Mets, of Windsor town.

Oh, the dealers and the bakers and the walkers of the streets,
Where did they go? To MEET THE METS!
Oh, they’re hollerin’ and jeerin’, and they’re yellin’ in their seats,
Where did they go? To MEET THE METS!
All the fans are true to the orange and blue,
So hurry up and come on down,
‘cause we’ve got ourselves a ball club,
The Mets of Windsor town!

Give ‘em a yell! Give ‘em a hand!
There’ll probably be a shootin’ in the stands!
Come on and...

Meet the Mets, hate the Mets,
Step right up and castrate the Mets.
Bring the kiddies, bring the wife,
Guaranteed to have the worst time of your life.
Because the Mets are really strokin’ their balls,
Sage Park Stadium’s a glorified bathroom stall.
Hartford, San Juan, everybody’s coming down,
To meet the M-E-T-S Mets,
Of Windsor town,
Of Windsor town!
(*insert raspberry sound here)

On Sunday, the Connecticut Cannons met the Windsor Mets face to face for the first time and, after dropping a deuce on the diamond by the scores of 11-1 and 7-3, this was one encounter whose ending was far from happy as the Cannons received the baseball equivalent of a bukake facial. However, Manager Matt Celio remained upbeat about the outlook for his ball club as the 2009 season moves forward: “We came out a little flat and I take full responsibility for that but, without question, we ran into a solid team today. [Mets Manager Ruben] Serrano has assembled a top to bottom all-star caliber line-up with heavy hitters—and I’m not just talking about from the bong—his pitchers are strong, and the team was smooth if not spectacular defensively. They’re a good group of players that will likely be in the thick of things throughout the campaign. That being said, I obviously believe the Cannons have the makings of a championship contender and I like our chances next weekend versus Marlborough, when the Mets come to Newington at the end of the month, and against any and every other team in the A Division, especially in August, a month that has been pretty special for the Nation. [Mike] Patenaude, who has been near-perfect for us to this point of the season, didn’t execute his game plan early on, uncharacteristically walked a few guys (four, all of whom scored, after issuing bases on balls to only four batters in his first 27-plus innings of work in 2009), and their mashers made us pay. [Jim “Jelly”] Yanosy was impressive in taking the hard luck Game One loss and I think we’ve picked up a heck of a ballplayer who will be a difference maker as the season stretches from spring to summer. Unfortunately we seem to have defensive letdowns when Jimmy is on the mound and then things begin to snowball a bit. It’s something we’ve got to lock down. We’re still finding our way in the field and we’re not getting as much offensive production as we would like, but ten games is about what a team with this much turnover needs to work players into the mix. We got a chance to see [Juan] Checo and [Kevin] Quinn on the hill, [Rob] DePalma got some work behind the plate, [Bill] Balcerzak swung a big stick, so you take something positive away from the day even when things don’t play out as planned. We’ve been better but we can also be better. It’s time to start playing like it next Sunday.”

Game One saw Louie “Family Feud” Anderson squaring off against Patenaude in the weekend’s most anticipated mound match-up, but even casual observers could almost immediately tell that the “Old Man of the ‘C’” was still feeling the effects of his one hundred forty-nine pitch performance from a week ago at Suffield. Connecticut went in order in the top of the first frame—lead-off hitter Leo “Señor Cinco” Dionicio, who replaced a missing Jason Maule atop the line-up, took a poke at the first pitch he saw prompting su hermano Dominicano Checo to deftly remark, “Hey, at least he worked the count.” Mike Weber drolly replied, “Yeah, for them.”; Dionicio’s retort: “I like to bat one, but I like it in the two hole better.” Hmmmm.—and the Mets went to work with two outs after Patenaude popped the top two batters to Chris “T-Rex” Barsa at first. Two walks and two doubles later and Windsor had a three-run lead after one and they never were seriously threatened. Connecticut cut ever-so-slightly into the advantage as Balcerzak, in his new number four jersey, singled, advanced on a passed ball, and moved to third on an errant pick-off attempt. Josh Svoboda worked a walk and stole second but a run-scoring ground out from Barsa was all the Cannons could muster, making the score 3-1. Patenaude battled the pain and the playing field (the “bump” compared favorably to the beach for its sand content) to get the eight-nine-ten batters in order in the second, but a lead-off free pass to Gary Coleman after being up 0-2 in the home half of the third opened the floodgates against the fifty-three year old lefty. Windsor plated six runs on three singles, a double, and the fourth and final walk surrendered by Patenaude (3 IP, 9 R, 9 ER, 7 H, 4 BB) and a 3-1 ball game ballooned to 9-1 in the blink of an eye. The rout was on as management closed the Cannons’ ace down after sixty-nine pitches. “I was sore, and the mound was a mess,” said Patenaude as he spoke with reporters before leaving the stadium. “I waited too long to go with the off-speed stuff and they got their licks in. They come to us in a few weeks (a June 28 rematch at New Cannon Yards) and you can expect the outcome to be decidedly different.” Checo (2 IP, 2 R, 2 ER, 2 H, 4 BB, 1 K) entered as a reliever in the fourth, his first appearance since Opening Day at Torr-Winchester, and set down the side in order, including a strike out of Blazej “White Power” Dlugolenski, with a heavy dose of fiery fastballs (Adam “Pac Man” Pallone said of the Dlugolenski substitution, “You know it’s a blowout when they’re bringing in the white kid.”). In the fifth, some of the control problems—perhaps the result of a shrinking strike zone—that plagued the pitcher against the Rifles resurfaced as the righty relinquished four walks of his own, along with a pair of base hits, to allow Windsor to take a ten run lead, ending the contest via the mercy rule. “No Maule to cover the gaps, no mound so to speak, and a sore arm makes for a long day for MP,” said Assistant Manager Mike Weber after Sunday’s games. “Checo showed signs the productive pitcher he can be. Not our best effort as a team, but we’ll bounce back.”

Game Two, featuring Yanosy and Howard “Dr. Fever” Husman, got off to a decidedly better beginning for the Cannons’ offense as Dionicio singled and stole second to start the contest. Yet after two outs, “El Dominican Dreamboat” was still stuck in scoring position one hundred eighty feet from the plate, imploring one of his teammates to strike a blow. That is when Balcerzak strode to the plate, stayed alive by fouling off three pitches, and stroked a full count fastball over everything for his second home run of the season, this of the inside the park variety. Things got off to a scintillating start on the defensive side as well. Yanosy allowed a lead-off single to Paul “The Comedian” Rodriguez who subsequently stole second, but a divine double play on a launched line drive to Luby at third and his throw behind “P-Rod” that the crafty Dionicio corralled gave the Guns a chance to keep the lead. However, the hard hacking heart of the Mets order—Sammy “Wabo” Cabo, Anderson, and Roberto “From Dusk Till Dawn” Rodriguez—strung together a trio of hits to knot the score at two after one. Yanosy faced just seven batters over the next two innings and the only two runners to reach did so by errors, but a lead-off triple to Luca Tierinni put the pitcher in a precarious position. Anderson’s single scored the run but Yano (4 IP, 6 R, 5 ER, 9H) rolled two straight groundballs that had double play potential, yet unfortunately each of Dionicio’s throws to Pallone at first arrived just late and the inning dragged on. Two singles, a double, and an error scored three more and what would have only been a one-run edge had expanded to a 6-2 advantage against a Cannons team that was having a hard time generating offense on a consistent basis. Windsor added a tally in the fifth off reliever Tom Clark (1 IP, 1 R, 1 ER, 2 H, 1 K, 1 HBP) and Connecticut responded with a run of its own in the sixth as Tom Luby hit a base knock between second and third, Balcerzak singled (his fourth hit in five at-bats), and Svoboda ripped a RBI single. Quinn (1 IP, 0 R, 1 K, 1 BB) kept the Mets in check in the sixth but a base hit by Mike McGann in the top of the seventh was wasted as Yanosy lined out to right and Barsa went down swinging as a pinch hitter. “Not quite what we wanted here in Windsor, but not the end of the world, and certainly not the end of what we plan to accomplish this season,” said Celio as he spoke with the amassed members of the media outside of the visitor’s locker room. “The long road trip (twelve games to start the season) that has dominated the early season docket is almost over and after a trip to Marlborough (9:00 a.m. start) on Sunday we’ll return to the “comfy confines” for twelve straight home games in front of the most frenzied fans this league has to offer, something all of our guys are looking forward to. I’m pleased with the way we’ve played to this point though our record doesn’t do our team and our talent justice. We’re just getting warmed up and there’s a bushel full of baseball to be played. We’ll take things one game at a time, jockey for position over the next two months, and then see what the post-season holds in store. I tell you one thing, it’d be a mistake to count us out at this point.”

“Meet the Mets, f**k the Mets,” said Dionicio succinctly as he arrived at Cannons World Headquarters on Monday morning for a rub-down and refill of Mine That Bird sperm issued by Victor Conte and his BALCO buddies (in 2007, “El Heartthrob de Hispaniola” memorably made the pre-euthanized equine ejaculate of Barbaro his energy drink of choice on game days). The Windsor Mets introduced themselves to the Connecticut Cannons in an incredibly rude manner on Sunday. Four games in a home-and-home against the A’s follow in the interim, but the Guns would love to return the favor in kind when the Mets and Cannons once again collide in Newington at the end of June. The early portion of the season has seen its fair share of up and downs for the Connecticut’s Team but there is plenty of baseball left before the Clinton-Clarke Trophy is hoisted heavenward. The ball club must stay the course, keep the faith, and play Connecticut Cannons Baseball. If it is able to do that, a meet and greet with President Barack Obama at the Casa Blanca as CNMSBL champs can’t be far behind.

Cannons News and Notes: The Cannons take on the 2008 A Division Champion Athletics (7-5), at West Road Park on Sunday, June 14…single and obstructed view seats are available via phone (1 800-CANNONS) or internet (ctcannons.blogspot.com); when the umpire crew approached Connecticut’s bench to ask if the team planned to take pre-game fielding warm-ups, several players looked at each other and erupted into riotous laughter…perhaps this explains the twenty-nine errors through ten games…yikes!... for the first time in ’09, the Cannons went error-free in a game as no balls were booted in the opener (Dionicio dropped an easy pop-up at second in Game Two causing Clark to remark, “Way to keep it in front of you.”); the Cannons are batting .267 through five Sundays (the overall opponents’ average jumped from .226 to .254 as Windsor racked up nineteen knocks against five Cannons pitchers and the team ERA expanded from 2.57 to 4.10); another Sunday, another broken bat—you guessed it, a Mizuno—as the team approaches the two bat bag barrier; Balcerzak, Clark, Luby, and Quinn have played in all ten games for the Cannons this season, already achieving postseason eligibility (the Dynamic Dominican Duo of Checo and Dionicio can join the four members of Los Fraternity Blanquitos, Lambda Lambda Lambda at Marlborough this weekend); before the game “El Latin Lothario” showed teammates what appeared to be a prop condom box kept for some strange reason in his bat bag…what are you using those bats for Leo?...Dionicio loudly told anybody who would listen: “Hey white guys, these are Magnum XL, the only brand I can use.”…the team’s marketing department is pursuing an advertising deal…Dionicio screamed “Me voy!” (I’m going!) at the opposition before stealing a base in the opener…Celio considered shouting “No me voy!” after he was hit by a pitch in the nightcap…Cel asked Web if he would have “had his back” if a charge of the mound had materialized…Weber quipped to the less-than-quick Celio, “Well, I would have had a long time to think about it.”; Balcerzak fell a triple short of the cycle in the second game…the shortstop raised his average to .393 as he wore #4 for the first time (Celio said of Balcerzak, “He’s channeling his inner Poland,” a reference to the first Cannon to wear four from 2002 to early 2007 when a knee injury cut short a promising career…of course, Balcerzak has always paid his team fees so the similarities between the two stop there); Svoboda wore Andy Borst’s #7 on Sunday, having forgotten his #17 jersey at home…when the first-year Cannon asked if he should wash the top, teammates told him, “Why? AB wouldn’t. That’s just the way “Dirty Dude” likes it.” Balcerzak (11) and Dionicio (10) both used multi-hit days to top the double-digit hit barrier, the first Cannons to do so in 2009; Checo said of this heavily Latin-infused hardball: “Dominicans and Puerto Ricans in one place? Better hold onto your wallets!”; Luby arrived at the field in his signature Plymouth State College Intramural Champions t-shirt—which he has worn under all uniforms for twenty-two years!—and a throwback red and navy cap from the 2004 campaign; “Crocodile Done-Me” Clark sported a camouflage cowboy hat when he was on the bench…he also used a fold-out lounge chair in and out of the dugout a la John “Blue Fire” Mancini; Friday, July 31 is the officially slated date for Italian-Fest ’09; the team has twenty-four tickets for a luxury box at Dodd Stadium in Norwich for a contest between the Akron Aeros and Connecticut Defenders on Thursday, August 13; this article’s author considered changing the third line of “Meet the Mets” to read: “Bring the illegitimate kiddies, bring the girlfriend and the wife” but it was determined that discretion is the better part of valor…and editors just wouldn’t allow it; Windsor wore their anaranjado alternate tops in Game Two, one of four jerseys the team dons regularly; INS agent Balcerzak promises to check the appropriate paperwork on all Mets players before the next match-up…which means that Dlugolenski should be batting clean-up and starting on the mound; Balcerzak reiterated his desire to have a martini party at some point during the season…when Celio offered to bring something to the bash, McGann mocked, “What? Your appetite?”; Celio told teammates that he shaved his pubes earlier in the week (a shorn scrotum is breathtaking), much to the dismay of his wife, Audra (McGann asked how she knew that the Wahl had been wielded? It’s no wonder the kid’s single!)…Balcerzak got into the act, claiming he used to be called “Billy Bush” because he “just let it go Ron Jeremy style. I’m a throwback. Hairway to heaven, baby.”; Quinn informed teammates that when nature calls, he leaves his classroom of thirty-plus students in Meriden unattended to drop wolf bait; Game Two umpire M.R. McGoo apologized to Quinn for punching out Clark looking in the first frame saying, “I f****d up there. The Man on the Moon could have made that call and I blew it.”; Barsa brought yet another bra-busting bimbo to the ballpark on Sunday: DePalma couldn’t keep his eyes off woman’s Winnebagos while Balcerzak couldn’t get over the skinned-up knees (Balcerzak and DePalma have been named the “Faces of the Cannons” for 2009)…in a stunning revelation, DePalma told his horrified homies that he has hooked up with eight women since his divorce, but has yet to blow his load with any of them! (the catcher claims he will push the ladies aside and finish himself off just to get things over with, earning him the nickname Rob “DeHairy Palma” from Celio)…these dynamic disclosures all but guarantee that rookie will have his own Jeopardy! category come Jocktoberfest ‘09; McGann’s most unconventional coital consummation occurred in a Margarita’s parking lot with a girl who fancied a fake English accent…Cheery-Ho!; Luby’s oldest daughter has been tapped to signing the National Anthem at this Sunday’s Rock Cats game…“Unfortunately, I guess I’ll have to miss a game,” lamented Lubes, though he never clarified if the game he plans to miss is in Marlborough or New Britain; Connecticut emptied the post-game cooler for the first time this season…most of the seventy-plus beers came courtesy of the Step Up to the Plate Charity Baseball Marathon (incredible images of the game can be perused and purchased at the event website, stepupct.org); Clark, a five-time Cannons Award winner in 2008, contacted management on Monday saying that he plans to rest and possibly retire from baseball, effective immediately because of injuries and fatigue: “It’s hard for me and it’s not in my nature to quit, but I feel like I’m letting [the Cannons] down. After Sunday’s games, I honestly felt like calling it quits. I still feel that way, but after sleeping on it, I think a long break where I can heal my body a little, help my wife with our son, concentrate on work and things around the house, I would like to, at the very least, help out on the mound in the playoffs if you guys want me in that capacity. This was going to be my last year regardless. It’s been a long journey, I love to compete, and if I was twenty-eight you couldn’t kick me off the Cannons. Unfortunately I’m not a kid anymore, my responsibilities have changed, and fourteen innings of baseball under the hot sun after working my a** off all week is becoming too much. My old injuries are making me feel ninety years old every Monday morning and I know it’s only going to get worse. I wish I had a time machine. Thanks for everything and CANNONS FOREVER!” TC, you will be missed.

6/7 Studs: Balcerzak (4 for 5, 2B, HR, 2 R, 2 RBI); Dionicio (3 for 5; 1 R, 2 SB); McGann (2 for 4); Quinn (2 for 4); Weber, for having what “El Guapo” describes as “the best a** on the Cannons.”

6/7 Duds: Weber (for joining “the Klan”…the “Teutonic Ideal” discussed contributing factors that may have led to the three strike out performance, concluding that: 1) he wasn’t tracking the ball all the way in; and 2) he got laid before the game, using the “women weaken legs” excuse…Luby joked, “Is Deb out of town?”)…Meriden Procare of the Greater Hartford Twilight League is considering adding the Cannon to the team roster…though probably not now.