MEET THE METS, BEAT THE METS
Connecticut Walks Off In Opener Against Windsor, Wins First Home Game of ‘09

Newington, CT (AP)—On Sunday, the Connecticut Cannons—amazingly at home for the first time this year—met the Windsor Mets in the second half of a rain-aided home-and-home match-up. After suffering a sweep at the hands of the A Division’s newest entry, one that led to a rash of roster changes, the Cannons played a better brand of baseball, winning 6-5 in walk-off fashion before dropping the nightcap by a final score of 4-3. Manager Matt Celio seemed pleased with his team’s play as the calendar approaches July and CNMSBL officially starts its annual Independence Day break and the subsequent stretch run: “I’ve repeatedly reiterated throughout the season that the Cannons have the makings of a championship contender and I certainly stand by that assessment after our play to this point of the season including today’s performance. We haven’t hit our full stride yet but our schedule is very favorable as postseason seeding starts to take shape [Connecticut plays four home double headers against Winsted (sixth seed at press time), Bristol (third, though the Cannons took two from the Scrappers in Bristol back on May 3), Eastern Connecticut (ninth), and Newington (tenth)]. If we play the way we are capable of, it’s no stretch of the imagination for us to skyrocket in the standings, seeing a solid season become a special or even spectacular season, one ending with our first A Division title.”

Game One matched the Mets’ Joey Correa against the Cannons’ Tom Clark in his first start of the 2009 campaign (the reigning Patenaude Pitching Award winner has battled shoulder soreness all season, logging only 8+ innings of action on the mound after tossing fifty-three in eight starts last year). Clark, who called for the ball from Manager Matt Celio upon arriving at the field, allowed back-to-back singles to start the first frame but used his patented pick-off move, some nifty defense, and poor base running by Windsor to escape the jam unscathed. Lead-off hitter Phallus Rodriguez was caught in a run down after straying too far from the bag at second as Leo Dionicio flipped to Tom Luby who applied the tag for the first out of the inning (Alberto Terrini moved into scoring position on the play). Sammy “Wabo” Cabo followed with a slicing drive to right centerfield that was tracked down by a sliding Jason Maule who then threw behind Terrini for the unconventional 8-4 double play to end the inning. How many highlight packages feature a player making a stellar defensive play and then immediately providing some offensive pop? Maule, who missed the double header in Windsor earlier this month, did just that as he doubled over the head of Gary Coleman in deep center to start the home half of the inning, stole third, and scored on Bill Balcerzak’s two-out single to give the Cannons an early edge. Windsor was able to grab the lead in inning three as the bottom third of the line-up did some damage: Johan Santana singled and Mets Manager Ruben Serrano reached on an errant throw allowing Santana to score the tying run. A Rodriguez base hit brought Serrano home and the Mets held a 2-1 advantage. Windsor tacked on a run in the fifth as Santana scored on another Rodriguez hit to move ahead by a pair but in the bottom of the inning Connecticut chipped away with Kevin Quinn and Jim “Jelly” Yanosy belting back-to-back base knocks and Mike McGann following with a productive out, a ground ball to short that brought home the Cannons catcher, making it a 3-2 ball game. In the sixth, Clark (6 IP, 5 R, 4 ER, 9 H, 3 K, 3 BB, 2 HBP) recorded two quick outs but then ran into trouble, hitting a batter and surrendering three straight singles as the Mets stretched the score to 5-2. However, confidence never wavered in the home dugout and Connecticut cut into the lead as Dionicio singled and Balcerzak smacked a two-run bomb to straight away center, his second in his last six at-bats versus Mets pitching. Quinn (1 IP, 1 H) entered in relief of the gritty Clark and got the top of the Windsor line-up to pop up weakly, giving Connecticut a chance to come back that the team would make the most of. As the Boys in Blue trotted off the diamond trailing by only one, “Señor Cinco” stated for all to hear, “The Cannons are going to walk off with a victory,” and his words proved prophetic. Clark, mired in a 0-17 slump (the worst of the Co-Cannons Offensive Player of the Year’s career), singled to start the home half of the seventh but found himself stuck on second with two outs. McGann, famous for his heroics in the 2005 Championship run when he memorably told reporters after a game-winning hit that his plate approach consisted of the comedic, “Please ball hit bat,” came through in the clutch with a single over the head of the Mets shortstop to knot the score at five. Maule stepped into the box with smile on his face, having hit doubles to the wall on two earlier occasions. McGann swiped second and, with first base open, Dionicio began to taunt the Mets from the on-deck circle: “You can’t walk Maule, because look who’s up next!” With his infielders openly questioning the decision, Serrano elected to throw to the Cannons lead off batter and Maule made Windsor pay, stroking a single into right field, scoring McGann for the 6-5 victory. “It’s great to be a part of a walk-off win, especially after playing our worst weekend of baseball against this very team last time out,” said Celio to members of the media after the contests. “Tommy’s performance was gutsy and he gave us every opportunity to win the game while Kevin provided a nice change of pace and really kept the Mets’ batters off balance. Jason, Billy, Leo, and Drew (McDowell) are carrying the offense and we’ve improved defensively, playing one of our most consistent games of the season in the opener (a pair of errors and one unearned run were the only miscues). The roster has been more manageable recently and as a result we were able to put a better product on the field today. If we can get some consistent top-to-bottom production from guys who have put up big numbers in the past, and you toss Jimmy and Mikey [Patenaude] into the mix on the mound, we start to walk with the swagger of a contender in July and August, resembling the team we wanted to be coming out of spring training.”

Game Two pitted Blazej “White Power” Dlugolenski against Quinn, who had tossed just seven pitches in the seventh inning of Game One (catcher Rob DePalma showed interested teammates some swelling in his glove hand, the result of Quinnie’s prodigious pitching pop from pre-game warm-ups). The Cannons’ right-hander went to work, allowing only a single to Cabo before striking out Howard “Dr. Fever” Husman to end the visitor’s half of the opening frame. Maule once again mashed a two-bagger to jump start Connecticut’s offense, stole third, and scored on Tom Luby’s sacrifice fly to center to put the Cannons on top by one, but the Guns stranded runners on first and second, something that would come back to haunt them in later innings. Correa touched Quinn for a single to start the second and a failed pick-off attempt that almost took off McDowell’s face at first allowed the runner to advance all the way to third, eventually scoring the tying tally on a Morgan Freeman base hit. After leaving runners on second and third in inning three, Connecticut scored twice in the fourth behind a Balcerzak single (the shortstop would later score as Dlugolenski uncorked a wild pitch), a McDowell walk, pinch hitter Josh Svoboda’s fly ball that dropped in for an error in left, and Mike Weber’s RBI groundout on a web gem by the diving Husman at third (Svoboda moved up but was stranded ninety feet from the plate to end the inning). Weber asked McGann, “How the hell did that guy make a play on that ball?” to which the double lead-off replied, “He dove.” Windsor responded with a pair of runs in the fifth off of Quinn as Correa and Roberto “From Dusk Till Dawn” Rodriguez singled, Freeman hit a sacrifice fly to center, and Coleman grounded out to short for a run batted in. Husman can in as a reliever, allowing Balcerzak’s base hit in the sixth with two outs, but the Cannons offense couldn’t come up with another big hit. With the score tied at three in the top of the seventh, Cabo reached on a hard luck error on a ball up the middle, moved base to base on a pair of singles by Husman and Correa, and scored on a sacrifice fly to Svoboda in deep right field for the go-ahead run and eventual game winner against Quinn (7 IP, 4 R, 3 ER, 8 H, 3 K, 2 BB). The pitcher reached on a one-out base hit but was picked off of first on a questionable call by umpire and Chris “T-Rex” Barsa hater Tom Garro and Weber went down on strikes to end the ball game. “Winning is so much better than losing,” stated “Yogi” Weber on his weekly radio wrap-up show Worldwide Web. “After grabbing Game One, we had a golden opportunity to take two today but we came up just short…if only with the Cannon Yards grass could have been that short. We’re pleased with the progress we have made as a team. We’re a different team with Maule and McDowell in the line-up and our pitching depth got a much-needed shot in the right arm with the performances we got from Clark and Quinn: a rotation featuring these two along with MP and Yano makes us a tough out for the remaining regular season Sundays but especially in the three-game series that mark this season’s playoffs. There’s a lot of baseball left to be played and if we take care of business at home, we should be sitting pretty when the postseason party gets under way come August.”

Though it took almost a month (one filled with torrential downpours and two rain outs), the Connecticut Cannons were able to meet and beat the Windsor Mets on Sunday at New Cannon Yards, exacting a modicum of revenge against this annoying opponent. A win before an off-weekend is always enjoyable, yet regular season success or failure matters little when the ultimate prize, the Clarke-Clinton Trophy, waits on the sultry Saturdays and Sundays just over the summer horizon. July is almost here and with the warmer weather comes a Connecticut ball club heating up and hoping to prove itself on the league’s grandest stage. Playing to the team’s potential equals increased expectations around Newington and across the state. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2009 Connecticut Cannons: the team to beat in the Connecticut North Men’s Senior Baseball League’s A Division.

Cannons News and Notes: The Cannons take on the Torr-Winchester Rifles (6-6), in Newington on Sunday, July 12…the games are sold out; with the victory over the Mets, the Cannons have wins against every A Division opponent beating new clubs Windsor and Suffield this season); the team’s all-time A Division best seven–win total during the ’08 regular season is in jeopardy with eight games to play; Mariana Trench v. Mount Everest: field crews from Newington’s Parks and Recreation Department made it a priority to fix the flat mound at New Cannon Yards, raising it to what the naked eye discerns as near-illegal levels; the Cannons’ batting averaged jumped to .274 through six Sundays (the overall opponents’ average inched to .266, the highest point it’s been at any point this season); another Sunday, another pair of broken bats—a Mizuno and an unlikely candidate, a Rally Bat—as the team reached the two bat bag barrier; Balcerzak, Clark, Dionicio, Luby, Maule, McDowell, Quinn, Svoboda, and Yanosy have all played in eight or more games for the Cannons this season, achieving postseason eligibility (Barsa, DePalma, McGann, and Patenaude can join their teammates in the games against the Rifles); Balcerzak raised his average to .471 with five more hits on Sunday…the shortstop is hitting .818 against the Mets (9 for 11, 2 2B, 2 HR, 4 R, 5 RBI), all coming after he switched into his new #4 jersey for the first time earlier this month; Maule (12) joined Balcerzak (16) and Dionicio (11) as the first Cannons to the ’09 double-digit hit barrier (Quinn has 9 but is expected to miss the next three weekends for vacation); “El Heartthrob de Hispaniola” replaced Celio as third base coach during Game One…when asked if he knows the signs, Dionicio replied honestly, “No, but I can say them out loud in English because none of their players speaks the language.”; Serrano ripped a foul ball down the third base line on a Clark pitch after time had been called…Dionicio chirped from second base, “Ruben, I’m going to sit down now. You only get one hit a weekend and you just wasted it on a foul!”…the Mets Manager ground into a force a short; McDowell chased down Santana in a pickle at third all the way from first base, prompting several teammates to comment that “Louisiana Deceptively Fast” looked like Rocky Balboa chasing a chicken in the boxer’s second installment…the “Ragin’ Cajun’s” LSU Tigers won their sixth national championship against the Texas Longhorns earlier in the week; Weber, behind the plate for the first time in ’09, had some trouble hanging onto the ball…Svoboda offered to squirt some pine tar into the mitt if the Assistant Manager though it would help; DePalma popped his calf muscle trying to leg out an infield single in Game Two…he is listed as questionable for the games against Torr-Winchester; McGann, with the assistance of his centerfielder Maule, saved a turtle from the treacherous right field at New Cannon Yards, earning him the new nickname “PETA”…McGann commented saying, “Anything is better than the ‘Mayor of Manville’.”; Maule and wife Andrea will welcome the couple’s first child in early September…Maule informed members of the managerial staff that if there are rain dates in the playoffs and the Championship was pushed back to the ninth month, he would be in centerfield and at the top of the line-up; several members of the Connecticut Cannons have called for full disclosure of the e-mails sent between Celio and former player Juan Checo…management is considering making the papers public; Bill and Jill Balcerzak were featured on a recent WFSB “3 On Your Side” segment after contacting neighbors Dennis House and Kara Sundlin about a landscaping scam…Clark has been called in to close out the job; Plan B mini-burger coupons have been arriving in the mailboxes of a number of Cannons as the team prepares for its annual August debauchery leading to a deep postseason run; Friday, July 31 is the officially slated date for Italian-Fest ’09; the team has twenty-four tickets for a luxury box at Dodd Stadium in Norwich for a contest between the Akron Aeros and Connecticut Defenders on Thursday, August 13.

6/28 Studs: Balcerzak (5 for 6, 2B, HR, 2 R, 3 RBI, SB); Maule (5 for 7, 3 2B, 2 R, GW RBI, 3 SB of third); McGann (2 RBI, GW R); Clark (game-tying R; 6 IP, 4 ER, 3 K); Quinn (8 IP, 3 ER, 3 K, W)

6/28 Duds: Windsor CF Gary Coleman for his tie-dyed orange socks (first unveiled at the third annual Step Up to the Plate Charity Baseball Marathon); Serrano for trying to take the Cannons customary spot on the third base side because it was drier (Celio arrived at the field at 8:50 and had to kick the Mets Manager and his scorekeeper out of the home dugout amidst much complaint)

MEET THE METS, HATE THE METS
Windsor Uses Offensive Onslaught, Wallops Connecticut In Winning Weekend Series From Guns

Windsor, CT (AP)—All right Cannon Nation! Lemme hear ya! Ah-One! Ah-Two! Ah-Three!

Meet the Mets, hate the Mets,
Step right up and castrate the Mets.
Bring the kiddies, bring the wife,
Guaranteed to have the worst time of your life.
Because the Mets are really strokin’ their balls,
Sage Park Stadium’s a glorified bathroom stall.
Hartford, San Juan, everybody’s coming down,
To meet the M-E-T-S Mets, of Windsor town.

Oh, the dealers and the bakers and the walkers of the streets,
Where did they go? To MEET THE METS!
Oh, they’re hollerin’ and jeerin’, and they’re yellin’ in their seats,
Where did they go? To MEET THE METS!
All the fans are true to the orange and blue,
So hurry up and come on down,
‘cause we’ve got ourselves a ball club,
The Mets of Windsor town!

Give ‘em a yell! Give ‘em a hand!
There’ll probably be a shootin’ in the stands!
Come on and...

Meet the Mets, hate the Mets,
Step right up and castrate the Mets.
Bring the kiddies, bring the wife,
Guaranteed to have the worst time of your life.
Because the Mets are really strokin’ their balls,
Sage Park Stadium’s a glorified bathroom stall.
Hartford, San Juan, everybody’s coming down,
To meet the M-E-T-S Mets,
Of Windsor town,
Of Windsor town!
(*insert raspberry sound here)

On Sunday, the Connecticut Cannons met the Windsor Mets face to face for the first time and, after dropping a deuce on the diamond by the scores of 11-1 and 7-3, this was one encounter whose ending was far from happy as the Cannons received the baseball equivalent of a bukake facial. However, Manager Matt Celio remained upbeat about the outlook for his ball club as the 2009 season moves forward: “We came out a little flat and I take full responsibility for that but, without question, we ran into a solid team today. [Mets Manager Ruben] Serrano has assembled a top to bottom all-star caliber line-up with heavy hitters—and I’m not just talking about from the bong—his pitchers are strong, and the team was smooth if not spectacular defensively. They’re a good group of players that will likely be in the thick of things throughout the campaign. That being said, I obviously believe the Cannons have the makings of a championship contender and I like our chances next weekend versus Marlborough, when the Mets come to Newington at the end of the month, and against any and every other team in the A Division, especially in August, a month that has been pretty special for the Nation. [Mike] Patenaude, who has been near-perfect for us to this point of the season, didn’t execute his game plan early on, uncharacteristically walked a few guys (four, all of whom scored, after issuing bases on balls to only four batters in his first 27-plus innings of work in 2009), and their mashers made us pay. [Jim “Jelly”] Yanosy was impressive in taking the hard luck Game One loss and I think we’ve picked up a heck of a ballplayer who will be a difference maker as the season stretches from spring to summer. Unfortunately we seem to have defensive letdowns when Jimmy is on the mound and then things begin to snowball a bit. It’s something we’ve got to lock down. We’re still finding our way in the field and we’re not getting as much offensive production as we would like, but ten games is about what a team with this much turnover needs to work players into the mix. We got a chance to see [Juan] Checo and [Kevin] Quinn on the hill, [Rob] DePalma got some work behind the plate, [Bill] Balcerzak swung a big stick, so you take something positive away from the day even when things don’t play out as planned. We’ve been better but we can also be better. It’s time to start playing like it next Sunday.”

Game One saw Louie “Family Feud” Anderson squaring off against Patenaude in the weekend’s most anticipated mound match-up, but even casual observers could almost immediately tell that the “Old Man of the ‘C’” was still feeling the effects of his one hundred forty-nine pitch performance from a week ago at Suffield. Connecticut went in order in the top of the first frame—lead-off hitter Leo “Señor Cinco” Dionicio, who replaced a missing Jason Maule atop the line-up, took a poke at the first pitch he saw prompting su hermano Dominicano Checo to deftly remark, “Hey, at least he worked the count.” Mike Weber drolly replied, “Yeah, for them.”; Dionicio’s retort: “I like to bat one, but I like it in the two hole better.” Hmmmm.—and the Mets went to work with two outs after Patenaude popped the top two batters to Chris “T-Rex” Barsa at first. Two walks and two doubles later and Windsor had a three-run lead after one and they never were seriously threatened. Connecticut cut ever-so-slightly into the advantage as Balcerzak, in his new number four jersey, singled, advanced on a passed ball, and moved to third on an errant pick-off attempt. Josh Svoboda worked a walk and stole second but a run-scoring ground out from Barsa was all the Cannons could muster, making the score 3-1. Patenaude battled the pain and the playing field (the “bump” compared favorably to the beach for its sand content) to get the eight-nine-ten batters in order in the second, but a lead-off free pass to Gary Coleman after being up 0-2 in the home half of the third opened the floodgates against the fifty-three year old lefty. Windsor plated six runs on three singles, a double, and the fourth and final walk surrendered by Patenaude (3 IP, 9 R, 9 ER, 7 H, 4 BB) and a 3-1 ball game ballooned to 9-1 in the blink of an eye. The rout was on as management closed the Cannons’ ace down after sixty-nine pitches. “I was sore, and the mound was a mess,” said Patenaude as he spoke with reporters before leaving the stadium. “I waited too long to go with the off-speed stuff and they got their licks in. They come to us in a few weeks (a June 28 rematch at New Cannon Yards) and you can expect the outcome to be decidedly different.” Checo (2 IP, 2 R, 2 ER, 2 H, 4 BB, 1 K) entered as a reliever in the fourth, his first appearance since Opening Day at Torr-Winchester, and set down the side in order, including a strike out of Blazej “White Power” Dlugolenski, with a heavy dose of fiery fastballs (Adam “Pac Man” Pallone said of the Dlugolenski substitution, “You know it’s a blowout when they’re bringing in the white kid.”). In the fifth, some of the control problems—perhaps the result of a shrinking strike zone—that plagued the pitcher against the Rifles resurfaced as the righty relinquished four walks of his own, along with a pair of base hits, to allow Windsor to take a ten run lead, ending the contest via the mercy rule. “No Maule to cover the gaps, no mound so to speak, and a sore arm makes for a long day for MP,” said Assistant Manager Mike Weber after Sunday’s games. “Checo showed signs the productive pitcher he can be. Not our best effort as a team, but we’ll bounce back.”

Game Two, featuring Yanosy and Howard “Dr. Fever” Husman, got off to a decidedly better beginning for the Cannons’ offense as Dionicio singled and stole second to start the contest. Yet after two outs, “El Dominican Dreamboat” was still stuck in scoring position one hundred eighty feet from the plate, imploring one of his teammates to strike a blow. That is when Balcerzak strode to the plate, stayed alive by fouling off three pitches, and stroked a full count fastball over everything for his second home run of the season, this of the inside the park variety. Things got off to a scintillating start on the defensive side as well. Yanosy allowed a lead-off single to Paul “The Comedian” Rodriguez who subsequently stole second, but a divine double play on a launched line drive to Luby at third and his throw behind “P-Rod” that the crafty Dionicio corralled gave the Guns a chance to keep the lead. However, the hard hacking heart of the Mets order—Sammy “Wabo” Cabo, Anderson, and Roberto “From Dusk Till Dawn” Rodriguez—strung together a trio of hits to knot the score at two after one. Yanosy faced just seven batters over the next two innings and the only two runners to reach did so by errors, but a lead-off triple to Luca Tierinni put the pitcher in a precarious position. Anderson’s single scored the run but Yano (4 IP, 6 R, 5 ER, 9H) rolled two straight groundballs that had double play potential, yet unfortunately each of Dionicio’s throws to Pallone at first arrived just late and the inning dragged on. Two singles, a double, and an error scored three more and what would have only been a one-run edge had expanded to a 6-2 advantage against a Cannons team that was having a hard time generating offense on a consistent basis. Windsor added a tally in the fifth off reliever Tom Clark (1 IP, 1 R, 1 ER, 2 H, 1 K, 1 HBP) and Connecticut responded with a run of its own in the sixth as Tom Luby hit a base knock between second and third, Balcerzak singled (his fourth hit in five at-bats), and Svoboda ripped a RBI single. Quinn (1 IP, 0 R, 1 K, 1 BB) kept the Mets in check in the sixth but a base hit by Mike McGann in the top of the seventh was wasted as Yanosy lined out to right and Barsa went down swinging as a pinch hitter. “Not quite what we wanted here in Windsor, but not the end of the world, and certainly not the end of what we plan to accomplish this season,” said Celio as he spoke with the amassed members of the media outside of the visitor’s locker room. “The long road trip (twelve games to start the season) that has dominated the early season docket is almost over and after a trip to Marlborough (9:00 a.m. start) on Sunday we’ll return to the “comfy confines” for twelve straight home games in front of the most frenzied fans this league has to offer, something all of our guys are looking forward to. I’m pleased with the way we’ve played to this point though our record doesn’t do our team and our talent justice. We’re just getting warmed up and there’s a bushel full of baseball to be played. We’ll take things one game at a time, jockey for position over the next two months, and then see what the post-season holds in store. I tell you one thing, it’d be a mistake to count us out at this point.”

“Meet the Mets, f**k the Mets,” said Dionicio succinctly as he arrived at Cannons World Headquarters on Monday morning for a rub-down and refill of Mine That Bird sperm issued by Victor Conte and his BALCO buddies (in 2007, “El Heartthrob de Hispaniola” memorably made the pre-euthanized equine ejaculate of Barbaro his energy drink of choice on game days). The Windsor Mets introduced themselves to the Connecticut Cannons in an incredibly rude manner on Sunday. Four games in a home-and-home against the A’s follow in the interim, but the Guns would love to return the favor in kind when the Mets and Cannons once again collide in Newington at the end of June. The early portion of the season has seen its fair share of up and downs for the Connecticut’s Team but there is plenty of baseball left before the Clinton-Clarke Trophy is hoisted heavenward. The ball club must stay the course, keep the faith, and play Connecticut Cannons Baseball. If it is able to do that, a meet and greet with President Barack Obama at the Casa Blanca as CNMSBL champs can’t be far behind.

Cannons News and Notes: The Cannons take on the 2008 A Division Champion Athletics (7-5), at West Road Park on Sunday, June 14…single and obstructed view seats are available via phone (1 800-CANNONS) or internet (ctcannons.blogspot.com); when the umpire crew approached Connecticut’s bench to ask if the team planned to take pre-game fielding warm-ups, several players looked at each other and erupted into riotous laughter…perhaps this explains the twenty-nine errors through ten games…yikes!... for the first time in ’09, the Cannons went error-free in a game as no balls were booted in the opener (Dionicio dropped an easy pop-up at second in Game Two causing Clark to remark, “Way to keep it in front of you.”); the Cannons are batting .267 through five Sundays (the overall opponents’ average jumped from .226 to .254 as Windsor racked up nineteen knocks against five Cannons pitchers and the team ERA expanded from 2.57 to 4.10); another Sunday, another broken bat—you guessed it, a Mizuno—as the team approaches the two bat bag barrier; Balcerzak, Clark, Luby, and Quinn have played in all ten games for the Cannons this season, already achieving postseason eligibility (the Dynamic Dominican Duo of Checo and Dionicio can join the four members of Los Fraternity Blanquitos, Lambda Lambda Lambda at Marlborough this weekend); before the game “El Latin Lothario” showed teammates what appeared to be a prop condom box kept for some strange reason in his bat bag…what are you using those bats for Leo?...Dionicio loudly told anybody who would listen: “Hey white guys, these are Magnum XL, the only brand I can use.”…the team’s marketing department is pursuing an advertising deal…Dionicio screamed “Me voy!” (I’m going!) at the opposition before stealing a base in the opener…Celio considered shouting “No me voy!” after he was hit by a pitch in the nightcap…Cel asked Web if he would have “had his back” if a charge of the mound had materialized…Weber quipped to the less-than-quick Celio, “Well, I would have had a long time to think about it.”; Balcerzak fell a triple short of the cycle in the second game…the shortstop raised his average to .393 as he wore #4 for the first time (Celio said of Balcerzak, “He’s channeling his inner Poland,” a reference to the first Cannon to wear four from 2002 to early 2007 when a knee injury cut short a promising career…of course, Balcerzak has always paid his team fees so the similarities between the two stop there); Svoboda wore Andy Borst’s #7 on Sunday, having forgotten his #17 jersey at home…when the first-year Cannon asked if he should wash the top, teammates told him, “Why? AB wouldn’t. That’s just the way “Dirty Dude” likes it.” Balcerzak (11) and Dionicio (10) both used multi-hit days to top the double-digit hit barrier, the first Cannons to do so in 2009; Checo said of this heavily Latin-infused hardball: “Dominicans and Puerto Ricans in one place? Better hold onto your wallets!”; Luby arrived at the field in his signature Plymouth State College Intramural Champions t-shirt—which he has worn under all uniforms for twenty-two years!—and a throwback red and navy cap from the 2004 campaign; “Crocodile Done-Me” Clark sported a camouflage cowboy hat when he was on the bench…he also used a fold-out lounge chair in and out of the dugout a la John “Blue Fire” Mancini; Friday, July 31 is the officially slated date for Italian-Fest ’09; the team has twenty-four tickets for a luxury box at Dodd Stadium in Norwich for a contest between the Akron Aeros and Connecticut Defenders on Thursday, August 13; this article’s author considered changing the third line of “Meet the Mets” to read: “Bring the illegitimate kiddies, bring the girlfriend and the wife” but it was determined that discretion is the better part of valor…and editors just wouldn’t allow it; Windsor wore their anaranjado alternate tops in Game Two, one of four jerseys the team dons regularly; INS agent Balcerzak promises to check the appropriate paperwork on all Mets players before the next match-up…which means that Dlugolenski should be batting clean-up and starting on the mound; Balcerzak reiterated his desire to have a martini party at some point during the season…when Celio offered to bring something to the bash, McGann mocked, “What? Your appetite?”; Celio told teammates that he shaved his pubes earlier in the week (a shorn scrotum is breathtaking), much to the dismay of his wife, Audra (McGann asked how she knew that the Wahl had been wielded? It’s no wonder the kid’s single!)…Balcerzak got into the act, claiming he used to be called “Billy Bush” because he “just let it go Ron Jeremy style. I’m a throwback. Hairway to heaven, baby.”; Quinn informed teammates that when nature calls, he leaves his classroom of thirty-plus students in Meriden unattended to drop wolf bait; Game Two umpire M.R. McGoo apologized to Quinn for punching out Clark looking in the first frame saying, “I f****d up there. The Man on the Moon could have made that call and I blew it.”; Barsa brought yet another bra-busting bimbo to the ballpark on Sunday: DePalma couldn’t keep his eyes off woman’s Winnebagos while Balcerzak couldn’t get over the skinned-up knees (Balcerzak and DePalma have been named the “Faces of the Cannons” for 2009)…in a stunning revelation, DePalma told his horrified homies that he has hooked up with eight women since his divorce, but has yet to blow his load with any of them! (the catcher claims he will push the ladies aside and finish himself off just to get things over with, earning him the nickname Rob “DeHairy Palma” from Celio)…these dynamic disclosures all but guarantee that rookie will have his own Jeopardy! category come Jocktoberfest ‘09; McGann’s most unconventional coital consummation occurred in a Margarita’s parking lot with a girl who fancied a fake English accent…Cheery-Ho!; Luby’s oldest daughter has been tapped to signing the National Anthem at this Sunday’s Rock Cats game…“Unfortunately, I guess I’ll have to miss a game,” lamented Lubes, though he never clarified if the game he plans to miss is in Marlborough or New Britain; Connecticut emptied the post-game cooler for the first time this season…most of the seventy-plus beers came courtesy of the Step Up to the Plate Charity Baseball Marathon (incredible images of the game can be perused and purchased at the event website, stepupct.org); Clark, a five-time Cannons Award winner in 2008, contacted management on Monday saying that he plans to rest and possibly retire from baseball, effective immediately because of injuries and fatigue: “It’s hard for me and it’s not in my nature to quit, but I feel like I’m letting [the Cannons] down. After Sunday’s games, I honestly felt like calling it quits. I still feel that way, but after sleeping on it, I think a long break where I can heal my body a little, help my wife with our son, concentrate on work and things around the house, I would like to, at the very least, help out on the mound in the playoffs if you guys want me in that capacity. This was going to be my last year regardless. It’s been a long journey, I love to compete, and if I was twenty-eight you couldn’t kick me off the Cannons. Unfortunately I’m not a kid anymore, my responsibilities have changed, and fourteen innings of baseball under the hot sun after working my a** off all week is becoming too much. My old injuries are making me feel ninety years old every Monday morning and I know it’s only going to get worse. I wish I had a time machine. Thanks for everything and CANNONS FOREVER!” TC, you will be missed.

6/7 Studs: Balcerzak (4 for 5, 2B, HR, 2 R, 2 RBI); Dionicio (3 for 5; 1 R, 2 SB); McGann (2 for 4); Quinn (2 for 4); Weber, for having what “El Guapo” describes as “the best a** on the Cannons.”

6/7 Duds: Weber (for joining “the Klan”…the “Teutonic Ideal” discussed contributing factors that may have led to the three strike out performance, concluding that: 1) he wasn’t tracking the ball all the way in; and 2) he got laid before the game, using the “women weaken legs” excuse…Luby joked, “Is Deb out of town?”)…Meriden Procare of the Greater Hartford Twilight League is considering adding the Cannon to the team roster…though probably not now.

FAMINE TO FEAST
Cannons Sticks Smoke Late, Salvage Split With Spuds As Patenaude Throws Thirteen

Suffield, CT (AP)—The Great Famine, or Great Hunger, was a period of starvation, disease, and mass emigration that occurred in Ireland from 1845 to 1849 when the country’s potato crop almost completely failed in successive years as a result of late blight, a disease that destroys both the leaves and edible roots, or tubers, of the potato plant. The Irish Potato Famine was the worst food shortage to occur in Europe in the 19th century, reducing the population of the Emerald Isle by twenty to twenty-five percent (estimates place the loss of human life at more than one million with an equal number leaving the country to pursue a better existence elsewhere; by the time the nation achieved independence in 1921, its population was barely half of what it had been in the early 1840s), and was the watershed in the history of Ireland, permanently changing the island’s demographic, cultural, and political landscape as the British government’s grudging and ineffective measures to relieve the famine’s distress intensified the resentment of royal rule among the Irish people. In fact, the hardships experienced during the famine not only became a rallying point for many nationalist movements but entered folk lore as well. With a grand total of zero A Division championships in Connecticut North Men’s Senior Baseball League (CNMSBL) play, the Connecticut Cannons too have failed in successive years, a baseball blight of dizzying degrees, necessitating a change in the culture of Cannon Nation. With offensive upgrades galore, the Cannons expected to feast on opposing pitching with top-to-bottom production yet at times the mashing has not materialized. Instead it has been the team’s impressive array of arms that have kept the Big Guns in games and it is these that are most responsible for Connecticut’s best start (4-4) since joining the A Division in 2006. Suffield, “a gracious town with a rural flavor in a suburban setting that maintains a delicate balance between its colonial roots and today’s modern lifestyle,” was the site of Sunday’s double dip, the first-ever meeting between the Cannons and Irish, both former B Division champs. After a near month-long layoff, Connecticut’s bats were not a bumper crop early on as it took the team ten innings to push a run across. Rather it was the much-lauded left arm of fifty-three year old Mike Patenaude that limited the Leprechauns to just two runs in thirteen thrilling innings of work, securing the regular season split.

“What words can I use to describe Mike Patenaude?” Cannons Manager Matt Celio said as he spoke with reporters during his post-game press conference. “Brilliant. The Picasso of pitching. The Mozart of the mound. This guy is a bona fide number one starter on par with any pitcher in the league and his numbers fully support this statement as fact (27.2 IP, 20 H, 7 R, 4 ER, 4 BB, 11 K, 0.87 WHIP, .185 BAA, 1.01 ERA). It may sound repetitive week after week, but with the way he’s throwing right now, perhaps better than he has at any point in his illustrious Cannons career with his current command, all it will take is a couple of runs for us to come out on top. A shutout is the only way to stop him as we unfortunately found out today. As big as MP has been for us to this point of the season, we expect him to be even more important in August so we don’t want to make a habit of pitching him for two complete games. Being the competitor that he is, Mike demanded the ball today and refused to let us lose Game Two. We are coming together as a team—[Tom] Luby hit the ball hard and is rounding into regular form, [Jason] Maule swung a solid stick and looked like himself again after a leg injury in early May, [Drew] McDowell has been an offensive force, [Leo] Dionicio and [Chris] Barsa have played solid ball—and I stand by my assessment that the Connecticut Cannons have the potential to be the best the CNMSBL A Division has to offer. With a weekly schedule, more defensive reps and at-bats, we should start seeing guys playing to their full potential on a team-wide basis. Good news for us. Bad news for the rest of the league.”

Game One pitted Patenaude against Paul “Mafioso” Mandriola, who entered the 2009 campaign with a commanding 9-1 record in CNMSBL play and has been almost single-handedly responsible for keeping the Irish afloat early this season. From the get-go the Cannons put good wood on the heavy ball of Mandriola but most were belted right at Suf-fielders. Connecticut put a runner in scoring position in each of the first three innings but in every instance the Irish were able to fight their way out of the jam. Paul Winiarski led off the home half of the third with what appeared to be a harmless fly ball to right field for the Pots O’ Gold. However, a brutal breeze blew the ball away from Josh Svoboda and a routine out on any other day turned into a lead-off double. A pop-up by tenth batter Steve Mezzetti was misplayed by Bill Balcerzak at short putting runner on first and second with nobody out, then top batter John “Poontang” Boozang attempted to bunt the runners over and though Patenaude fielded the ball cleanly, his throw to third was just late as Winiarski slid in safely. Mike “Boomer” Scott worked a one-out walk, pushing the games first run across and Joe “Pa” Parlante followed with a sacrifice fly to center to extend Big Green’s lead to 2-0. The Cannons would quietly threaten in the fifth as McDowell doubled and the seventh when Dionicio singled and stole second but the big blast just wasn’t there for Connecticut and the team was held scoreless for the first time in 2009. “Louisiana Deceptively Fast” McDowell spoke briefly after the contest: “Patenaude (6 IP, 2 R, 1 ER, 4 H, 3 K, 1 BB) clearly pitched well enough to win. We hit the ball hard but had little luck finding that hole when we needed to and no runs is never going to be enough. Sometimes games that start that way stay that way. A bounce or two here or there and we might be looking at a different outcome. I look forward to getting back out there and giving our batters another whack.”

After tossing just seventy-seven pitches, Patenaude offered to take the mound once again as the Cannons were forced to shorten their rotation with the possible defection of Drew Clarke to the Newington Capitals and a shoulder injury to 2008 Patenaude Pitching Award winner Tom Clark. Despite several at-bats against the left-hander, Patenaude was no easier to figure out for the Irish and this time the offense was able to provide the runs that were missing in Game One. In the third, Barsa blooped a single over Scott at shortstop to lead things off but after two more batters “T-Rex” was still stranded at first with two down as Maule stepped into the batter’s box. Barsa, not known for his speed, swiped second to get himself in scoring position and the league’s most feared hitter did what he does best by belting a ball into deep centerfield for the game’s first run, the fifth time in seven games the Cannons jumped ahead of the competition. Meanwhile, after a first inning single by Justin “Ike” Eisenhaure and an infield error, Patenaude, who only planned to stay an inning or two, set down eleven consecutive batters on just twenty-five pitches, twenty-one of which staggeringly were strikes, with the help of some solid defense including a diving play by Clark in left. In the top of the fifth, Connecticut added an insurance run on back-to-back doubles by Juan Checo and McDowell to push the advantage to two against starter Greg “Cross Your Heart” Brasile. An infield single and an advance on an error for Scott put a runner in scoring position in the bottom of the frame but Patenaude and Barsa took care of things on a pop, an unassisted tag at the bag, and a flip to first to escape any harm. In the visitors half of the seventh, and with the clock ticking until Patenaude’s departure, the lumber awoke from its slumber and the Cannons were able to plate three runs as Luby singled sharply (Dionicio stole second as the courtesy runner as Lubes still works into game shape after off-season back surgery), Clark took a base on balls, Balcerzak blasted a run-scoring base hit, and McDowell ripped a one-out double to score two, providing a comfortable five-run cushion. Patenaude (7 IP, 0 R, 4 H, 2 K, 0 BB) allowed a lead-off double “Mighty” Casey Brown who advanced to third an on errant throw that had him dead to rights at second. After a strike, Winiarski hit a fly ball to deep center that Maule lined up perfectly and his one-hop throw home beat the stumbling, bumbling Brown by a good three steps and Patenaude got a ground ball to Adam Pallone, in his first action of ’09, at second on his seventy-second pitch for the final out and a much-needed split.

From sham-shocked to sham-rocked, the Cannons hunger for success was insatiable against the Fighting Irish—and really, is there any other kind?—and eventually the team felt that sense of satisfaction that only comes from Sunday success in the CNMSBL A Division. Sham-wow and the time is sham-now: These Connecticut Cannons are right in the thick of things, tied for fourth place as the calendar turns from May to June. Perhaps this win will prove to be the rallying point upon which all future team success will be built, and any semblance of famine will fade from memory as the Cannons feast all the way until the end of August when they raise the Clarke-Clinton trophy as league champions. Assistant Manager Weber proclaimed on his weekly call-in radio program Worldwide Web: “We’re showing signs of becoming the team we know we can be. It feels good to come out of a long lay-off and get another road victory against a solid ball club. We’ve put together a good product but there is still a lot of baseball to be played and I’m sure a May victory won’t be the biggest of the season for this team. Spring wins are important, but ‘Ws’ in late summer are what we’re after.” The digestive juices are definitely flowing in Newington as the Cannons look to take a bite out of the other nine teams in the A Division. Blight has turned to fight and this team has plenty of ap-peel for the die-hard fans of Cannon Nation. It won’t take the luck of the Irish or a four-leaf clover for Connecticut to keep its “eyes” on the prize as long as the team ERA is south of three (2.57 through eight contests) and Patenaude pitches gems (an emerald as it were…on a green diamond).

Cannons News and Notes: The Cannons take on the A Division’s other new entry, the Windsor Mets (5-3 after a Sunday sweep of the Torr-Winchester Rifles), at Sage Park Middle School on Sunday, June 7…Standing Room Only seats remain for this first-ever match-up between the two teams and are available via phone (1 800-CANNONS) or internet (ctcannons.blogspot.com)…Celio’s first teaching job was at Sage Park as a sixth grade Social Studies teacher…Celio and wife Audra celebrated their thirteenth wedding anniversary on Sunday (current Cannons Andy Borst, Steve Markie, McDowell, Mike McGann, and Weber were all on the guest list); Connecticut was 3-1 in May after posting a 3-7 record in the fifth month from 2006-2008; the Cannons are batting .279 through four weekends (opponents are averaging just .226 with fourteen fewer hits); Maule had the team’s fiftieth hit of the season, a third inning double in Game One (he leads the Cannons with five two-baggers on the young campaign); Patenaude’s advice for his teammates on offense: “It’s just like sex: Let’s go up to the plate and hit the holes.”; the Irish are one of two teams in the A Division whose mascot does not end in the letter “s” (the Glastonbury G-Men are the others); the Cannons broke four bats—all of them made by Mizuno—on Sunday, including Checo snapping off two in a single at-bat; Balcerzak has a Beauty and the Beast umbrella, from the Broadway show instead of the movie, in his car that he busted out as the team shared celebratory brews after the victory; Balcerzak, Clark, Checo, Luby, and Kevin Quinn have each played in eight games for the Cannons this season; Quinn was almost hit by a car on Saturday evening…the volatile Cannons catcher claims he stuck his head in the driver’s side window of the vehicle and asked the driver, “What the f**k are you doing?”; Celio, Dionicio, McGann, and Jim Yanosy have been spotted by paparazzi at St. Thomas the Apostle Church in West Hartford on Saturdays and Sundays…when the Manager questioned “El Heartthrob de Hispaniola” about discrepancies between the amount collected and that counted by the Blanquitos on a weekly basis, the sometime basket bearer Dionicio responded simply: “How do you think I paid my Cannons fees?”; League President Andy “Breakfast Club” Clarke (nicknamed for the Emilio Estevez character of the same name in the seminal 80s film) asked for and was given his unconditional release by management, saying he “wouldn’t be of much help to the [Cannons] and would be better served spending Sunday’s with family”…Dave Sacco, Manager of the pitching-depleted Newington Capitals, contacted Celio on Saturday about acquiring Clarke, setting up a possible head-to-head confrontation on the regular season’s final Sunday: “I’m really desperate for pitching with the little I have. I know Drew was on your roster and I don’t think he’s active anymore. I’ve got to have somebody eat some innings and I wanted to run it by you first”…Celio was willing to talk trade and immediately contacted Winsted’s Paul Graves about the sportsmanship behind all players dropping bunts against the rotund right-hander…some members of the Suffield team must have graduated from the Graves Academy of Hitting as Brown faked a bunt against Patenaude in the final frame (“Digger” earned notorious notoriety in last season’s elimination game as he leaned precariously over the plate in the seventh to start the Rifles’ fateful rally); “Clown Prince” Luby, known as much for his 10:00 a.m. arrivals as his home runs, responded to Celio’s e-mail about the field change from Windsor Locks High to Suffield Academy, and its grass-covered base paths, with the following: “Got it. 11:00 a.m. at Cheshire Middle School.”…Lubes also created the new statistic “RCI” or runs coached in for Celio and Weber who have spent much of the early season on the bench in an effort to create chemistry with new and returning players; the third annual Step Up to the Plate Charity Baseball Marathon was played on the Friday and Saturday of Memorial Day weekend at Glastonbury’s Riverfront Park with the “Yanks” spanking the “Sox” by a final score of 81-43: twelve team representatives (Balcerzak, Celio, Checo, Clark, Clarke, Rob DePalma, Dionicio, McGann, Pallone, Patenaude, Jack “Potty Jones” Vanasse, and Weber) participated, earning the squad sixty Budweiser’s and ninety Bud Lights…highlights included Celio, Weber, and Vanasse once again completing the full twenty-four hours…Clarke started on the mound for the “Sox” opposite Glastonbury’s John Skinner for the “Yanks”…Celio and Vanasse had six hits apiece while DePalma and Weber chipped in with five (remember Celio, Weber, and Vanasse all played the full twenty-four…i.e., all three sucked immensely); Celio lived the dream and played all nine positions in the field, getting teammate Dionicio to harmlessly fly out on a high strike clocked in the low nineties and going cupless as a catcher, the first time the thirty-eight year old had strapped on the tools of ignorance in his baseball career (Patenaude refused to throw anything but fastballs to “Pudge” Celio until striking out “El Dominican Dreamboat” with a change-up)...Weber also tossed an inning of scoreless ball and now has visions of being the team’s number two starter: “I’m working on a knuckleball so Patenaude doesn’t have to pitch both ends in the future.”…Joe “Doppler” Furey stole a base standing up against Web when the “Teutonic Ideal” spent several overnight hours behind the dish…McGann went 2 for 5 and threw several innings of relief; Clark was 2 for 2 with a run scored…the “Killer Ds”—no, not the bazookas on Barsa’s latest bimbo—of DePalma and Dionicio played for the Bombers and emerged victorious (the all-time series is now “Red Sox” 2, “Yankees” 1)…check out some incredible images of the game at stepupct.org…in a silent auction held at the event, Celio bid on and won twenty-four tickets to a luxury box at an upcoming Connecticut Defenders contest at Dodd Stadium in Norwich…this team outing has all the makings of its own Cannons Jeopardy! category (August 13 looks like the top choice at present); Weber has announced that he will invite members of the Rifles back to his Berlin home following the team’s tilt at New Cannon Yards on July 12…Web intends to set up a volleyball net prompting Celio to respond that the scene would mirror the well-oiled manfest of a contest from Top Gun…somebody download “Playing With the Boys” by Kenny Loggins from iTunes immediately!...Clark showed a dark side when he recommended the Cannons capture a smaller Torr-Winchester player, duct tape him, shave his head, drop him off somewhere in Berlin, and call the cell phone of “Have You Ever Seen a Grown Man Naked?” Graves to pick his teammate up at the end of the evening; Celio is leaning toward the Friday, July 31 date for Italian-Fest ’09…McGann made a post-game request to Weber that fall’s Jocktoberfest instead become Lobsterfest after the Assistant Manager announced he acquired crustaceans for $4.99 a pound at Stew Leonard’s stating, “It sounds like the price is right to me.”…of course Weber pays for all end-of-year extravaganza expenses out of his own pocket.

5/31 Studs: Patenaude (W, 13 IP, 2 R, 1 ER, 8 H, 5 K); McDowell (3 for 5, 2 2B, 3 RBI); Maule (3 for 5; 2 2B, 1 RBI…and a leg that showed no lingering affects from his injury at Bristol…breathe a collective sigh of relief citizens of Cannon Nation)

5/31 Duds: In a disturbingly recurring theme, the Connecticut Cannons defense (despite the difficulty of a swirling wind, six more errors were committed on Sunday making twenty-six on the season, leading to twenty unearned runs); everyone who didn’t drink rusty beers in the abandoned parking lot of the Suffield Inn post-game (an interesting juxtaposition as Dionicio watched two white gentlemen mowing a lawn from the comfort of a lounge chair…when teammates suggested he use the chair’s cup holder, the “Caribbean King” said, “White guys are so cinematic, you do what everybody tells you to do.”…during rain showers, Clark asked Dionicio if he had any soap in his car to get cleaned up since this is the only time Dominicans bathe…Barsa was attributed the following quote: “Women banging is a choice, men banging is a challenge.” Food for thought indeed!)