YO MOMMA!
Patenaude, Quinn, Svoboda Send Scrappers Scampering Home In Pre-Mother’s Day Sweep

Bristol, CT (AP)—Used as an insult, “your mother…” preys on sentiments of the Confucian ideal of filial piety—one of the virtues to be held above all others: a respect for the parents and ancestors—making the insult almost universally offensive with barbs based on age, obesity, poverty, promiscuity, stupidity, and unattractiveness often the norm: e.g., “Yo momma so old, I told her to act her age and the b***h died.” “Yo momma so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just a little under the weather.” “Yo momma so old, when she walked into an antique shop, they kept her.” “Yo momma so old, when she was in school there was no history class, just class.” On Sunday, the Connecticut Cannons added insult to injury as they outplayed over-the-hill hard ballers the Bristol Scrappers, sweeping the set by the scores of 5-3 and 10-3 to move back to .500 entering the season’s first bye week. Leo “El Heartthrob de Hispaniola” Dionicio said before a double dip with Bristol last year: “I added up all the ages of their players (not that islanders are known for accuracy in terms of años) and subtracted from 2008. The difference took me all the way back to Jesus’s days. And I’m not talking Jesus Colome but the real J.C., with the long hair, the robes, and sandals. Striking.” On this day, he expanded: “Last year I thought if you added the ages of those guys up, you’d be back in New Testament times. Now I think you’d see Moses…and if you included [Cannons pitcher Mike] Patenaude you’d probably see Adam and Eve having sex under the apple tree in the Garden of Eden! Is that a serpent or are you just happy to see me?” It was almost all smiles in the visitors’ dugout—a freak injury to Jason Maule’s left leg was all that tempered the jovial mood—as the Cannons responded to the adversity of last weekend’s tough losses to Hartford in resounding fashion. “These were team wins in the truest sense,” Cannons Manager Matt Celio said as he spoke with reporters before boarding the team’s charter. “We had a lot of guys, veterans and rookies, step up in big situations and when that happens, you often head home on a winning streak. [Kevin] Quinn’s bat has been quiet in the early portion of the season but we stuck with him because he brings so much to the table with his talent and versatility. You just have to believe in his abilities and trust that he will play to his tremendous potential. He did some great things both offensively (five hits) and defensively (throwing out a runner at second on an attempted steal and another at home on a passed ball), he was energized despite the elements (several stolen bases), and I know we can expect quality innings from him for the rest of the season. [Josh] Svoboda was signed specifically for his glove but he got a hold of one today and I think [cousin and Cannon Adam] Pallone was holding out on us because he’s going to be a big piece of the puzzle for years to come. [Jim] Yanosy is another fabulous find. He’s given us ten solid innings against teams that are traditionally some of the league’s better squads, and he is still working up arm strength (89 pitches Week One; 49 Week Two; 71 Week Three). When you add a few big runs batted in and outstanding outfield play you get excited knowing our scouts worked wonders getting this guy. Our first year players—[Drew] Clarke, [Juan] Checo, [Rob] DePalma, Svoboda, and Yanosy—are not only producing like seasoned veterans, but they are fitting in fabulously with our returning nucleus, and team chemistry has never been better. And what can I say about MP, a perennial Most Valuable Cannon candidate who has been with the ball club from the very beginning? It’s an incredible luxury to know the guy is going to give the team all he’s got each and every time out. To win a pair in conditions that can only be described as less than ideal is something special. I think we caught a glimpse today of what the Cannons can be this season and when you add some of the pieces that were missing (Andy Borst, Drew McDowell, and Pallone) we have the potential to be the best the CNMSBL A Division has to offer which is what our players and fans have expected since Opening Day. This was baseball the way we are capable of playing it on a weekly basis. We can stand toe-to-toe in a slugfest or out-pitch an opponent. We’re ready to win by any and all means necessary. I couldn’t be more pleased with our performance as a team today. The rest of this season should be a whole bunch of fun.”

Game One featured a match-up of right-hander Yanosy and Bristol’s left-handed buggy-whipper Giglielmo “Radio” Arconti and for the fourth time in five games the Cannons offense drew first blood on the road. Both pitchers battled out of early jams, Arconti a no out second and third start in the second and Yanosy a no out first and second scare in the home half, but in the third Connecticut broke through to score a trio. Quinn led off with a single, Maule stroked a one out base hit, and Bill Balcerzak belted a line drive to left to load the bases. Tom Luby drove in a run on a fielder’s choice, Tom Clark hit a sacrifice fly to center to score the speedy Maule, and Dionicio came through with two down for his first RBI of 2009, giving Connecticut its largest lead of the season to this point. Bristol bounced back with a run in the bottom of the third as three errors led to an unearned run, but Yanosy used a pair of strike outs, the last on a big bender against lefty Lord Farquarson with two aboard, to escape further damage. The Scrappers were able to scrape out two more runs, one earned, the other unearned, against Yanosy (3.1 IP, 3 R, 1 ER, 2 H, 2 K, 4 BB, 1 HBP) in the fourth frame without the benefit of a hit (error, two walks, a hit batter, and a RBI ground out) and Patenaude was called upon to close out the inning. Both clubs’ bats quieted considerably in the fifth and sixth but things got noticeably noisy in a hurry to lead off the seventh as Svoboda launched a change up over the left field fence for a one-run Cannons advantage. Quinn followed with a two-out single, stole second, and scampered home on Yanosy’s base hit to provide a two-run cushion which proved to be plenty for Patenaude (3.2 IP, 0 R, 1 H, 2 K) as he melted the Metallurgists, setting them down in order in the seventh to secure the victory. The darkest cloud in this silver-lined setting was the injury suffered by Maule in a collision with Wilkes Bahre at first in the fifth when the star centerfielder was head-butted in the left quad as he legged out a fielder’s choice. The speed demon and one of the CNMSBL’s scariest talents attempted to stay in the game but was walking gingerly on the gam and was replaced on the base path and in the field (he later nearly blacked out on the bench and had to be held upright, sending shivers up and down the collective spine of Cannon Nation…catcher Steve Markie drove Maule home after the final out of Game One). Team doctors and the Healthsouth staff released this statement on Monday afternoon: “Jason Maule is officially listed as day to day with a deep tissue bruise, and some severe swelling, but no breaks were discovered. His range of motion on Sunday evening was encouraging, he will be rehabilitating the leg over the next couple of weeks, and he should be listed as probable for the upcoming games against Glastonbury (Maule contacted World Headquarters on Monday evening with these encouraging words: “Quite a scare. I should be back for [Glastonbury ace John] Skinner.”) His wife, Andrea , has been very supportive during this time and fully endorses his decision to get back on the diamond with the Cannons as soon as possible.”

Game Two found lefty legend Patenaude back on the bump, this time against hard-throwing righty Nate “Tiny” Archibald, and the Cannons yet again got on the board first as Clark walked to lead off the top of the second, swiped a bag, and scored on Quinn’s fourth base hit of the day. Patenaude was touched for his only run allowed on the day as Archibald singled, advanced on a wild pitch, moved up ninety more feet on a weak ground out by Farquarson, and scored as the Cannons couldn’t turn the 6-4-3—Balcerzak to Mike Weber to Chris Barsa—double play and the score was knotted at one for the briefest of moments as Connecticut tacked on multiple runs in each of the following four frames to put the game out of reach. In the third, Mike McGann and Balcerzak singled, Clark reached on an error by Mike Torres at third, and each came around to score, most notably Clark hustling all the way from second on an overthrow, as the Cannons were able to take advantage of myriad miscues by the Scrappers left side infielders, a nice turn of the tables. Connecticut tacked on two in the fourth as Quinn singled in his fifth straight at-bat, Barsa tripled him home (the team’s first three-bagger of the season), and Checo had an RBI base hit to push the Cannons advantage to 6-1. Patenaude (4 IP, 1 R, 1 ER, 6 H, 1 HBP) allowed two hits in his final frame of work, but was helped by solid defense from his infielders as Balcerzak erased Vladimir “Death From Above” Bratina on a fielder’s choice and Weber started a 4-6-3 double play, the group’s second DP spun on the afternoon, to end the inning. Weber and Quinn worked back-to-back walks to start another rally in the fifth, as Barsa stroked a run-scoring single and McGann hit a sacrifice fly to right to increase the lead to 8-1. Clark came on in relief as sprinkles turned to steady showers and Carmine Giovinazzo worked a lead-off walk and eventually crossed the plate on a Torres double down the left field line, making it 8-2 (Bristol Manager Gary Calusine was run in the inning as he argued yet another call that went the Cannons way; upon being tossed, Cal said to the field umpire, “Oh, I’m out? You’re doing me a favor!”). Afterwards, the Cannons responded with two more tallies in the top of the sixth as Balcerzak singled and scored on a Luby double, and courtesy runner McGann came across with the tenth run on a Weber base hit to left, the first time the team reached double digits on the season. An unearned run came across against Clark (2 IP, 2 R, 1 ER, 2 H, 4 BB) in the home half of the frame to cut the lead to seven but a hard rain started to fall and the umpires called the contest, securing a well-earned and fairly-won sweep in six.

Although the phrase has a long history of including a description portion—see: “your mother wears combat boots”—the phrase “yo momma” (y tu mamá también for our Spanish speaking readers) by itself, has become commonly used as an all purpose insult or an expression of defiance. On Sunday the Connecticut Cannons defied the odds and defiantly announced to the rest of the CNMSBL that this is a team to be reckoned with in 2009. “We’ve played three different teams so far this season and we’ve upgraded as much if not more than any of them. We played about as poorly as we could against the Nats and we were still right there at the finish,” explained Assistant Manager Weber on his weekly radio program Worldwide Web. “Today we played well, albeit walks and defense still left something to be desired, and we swept a team that has had our number during our time in the A Division. It certainly feels good going into the break with a pair of ‘W’s. This was truly Cannons Baseball at its finest.” Connecticut gave yo Momma’s an early gift last weekend and next Sunday we celebrate the legendary ladies who made it possible for us to all be here and those responsible for the next generation of Cannons. Enjoy the day off, because in the immortal words of Dionicio, “Spring training is over ladies.” Sundays from this point forward belong almost exclusively to the natty navy-topped men of Cannon Nation (May 24 and July 5 are off for Memorial Day and Independence Day respectively). Blue Ball has never felt this good this early!

Cannons News and Notes: After the bye, the Cannons take on the G-Men and A Division President Michael Clinton on the other side of the river at Glastonbury High School on Sunday, May 17…Loge Box, Outfield Grandstand and Standing Room Only seats remain and are available via phone (1 800-CANNONS) or internet (ctcannons.blogspot.com); these were the first wins in navy by the Cannons since the final game of the 2003 season (the team “got its RED on” to start the ’04 campaign); this is the earliest in an A Division campaign that Connecticut has reached the three win plateau (8/13 in ’06; 6/24 in ’07; 6/8 in ’08), this is the first time the team has been at .500 in the regular season since May 7, 2006 after an Opening Day split with the Newington Capitals, and this is the Cannons earliest season sweep (see the same dates above)…the Big Guns have won three in a row against the Metallurgists after dropping seven straight decisions; Connecticut plays its best when there is controversy concerning the field: the team ran it’s record to 4-0 when waiting to find out where a game will be played (Bristol delayed the announcement of the games’ location for more than an hour before deciding on Eastern’s JV diamond, bringing out the brooms…at Colt Park during Wild Card Weekend in 2002, Meriden attempted to make a lower-seeded Cannons club, then out of New Britain, move because they already had tents set up at another field on a scorching summer Sunday (Hard Hittin’ stayed put and eventually advanced as Wild Card winners)…during the title run of 2005, a lower-seeded Stafford squad forced the second-seeded Cannons, then out of West Hartford, to move to the diamond they had just won on because they were “hosting” the early round event (an angry crimson-clad crew scored seven runs before the soon-to-be-sent-packing Stafford pitching staff recorded a single out en route to the ’05 championship); the fifteen run outburst by the Cannons nearly doubled the team’s sixteen run output from the first four games (Connecticut jumped from 4.0 to almost 5.2 runs per contest in ’09 while surrendering an average of 6.0 runs); the Cannons are batting a robust .287 through three weekends, a .16 increase since last Sunday, and fifteen of sixteen players with a plate appearance have a hit, as Celio, McGann, Quinn, Svoboda, and Weber anted up (opponents are averaging just .247 with eleven fewer hits)…the next hit will be the team’s fiftieth of the season; the Cannons hit for the “Sunday cycle” with Svoboda’s tater, Barsa’s three bagger, Luby’s Game Two sixth inning double, and seventeen singles from an assortment of players…Svoboda’s blast against Arconti marked the second straight time the Cannons used the long ball to beat the Scrappers number one starter (Maule and McDowell whacked back-to-back jacks in the sixth inning of the opening game of the 2008 postseason, a 3-2 Cannons win)…a near complete Rawlings logo was tattooed on Svoboda’s bat after the bomb (he was sawed off in Game Two, sending Wonderboy to the scrap heap); Dionicio arrived with a new glove to which Weber uttered, “You should have invested in a bat.” (LD was used as an extra hitter on Sunday)…Dionicio was overheard thanking Checo for providing “the best hitting tip I ever received in all my years of baseball”…unfortunately the two were speaking Spanish when discussing these secrets: “I won’t share with Blanquitos” said the “Dominican Dreamboat”…the Duo de Dominicana approached management about adding la bandera de la Dominican Republic to the new jerseys…above the U.S. flag; DePalma told Checo that his dog chewed out some of his glove’s webbing, to which “Chec Republica” replied: “That’s okay. Just go Michael Vick on him.”; Luby wore the white hood in Game One (3 K); League President “Breakfast Club” Clarke (nicknamed for the Emilio Estevez character of the same name in the seminal 80s film) took his third DNP, saying he would use the CNMSBL’s Step Up to the Plate Charity Baseball Marathon as “extended spring training”…the third annual marathon is scheduled for the Friday and Saturday of Memorial Day weekend (Opening Ceremonies will be held at 6:00 p.m. at Glastonbury’s Riverfront Park on May 22)…Clarke called for a Biblical retaliation, “a thigh for a thigh,” after the Maule injury…then said the only thighs to nurse post-game were a couple of pieces of KFC; Celio is reconsidering the Friday, July 31 date for Italian-Fest ’09 (Friday, July 24 has been added as a second option due to what Celio described as “early availability issues”).

5/3 Studs: Barsa (2 for 3, 3B, R, 2 RBI in Game Two); Dionicio (3 for 3, RBI, SB in Game One); Patenaude (2 W, 7.2 IP, 1 R, 1 ER, 7 H, 2 K); Quinn (5 for 6, 4 R, RBI, BB, 3 SB—Pancho Villa and the other fattest Mexicans were not aboard this particular eighteen-wheeler according to Dionicio!—along with stellar play behind the plate in Game Two); Svoboda (GW HR in Game One…wait…the ball…just…landed!); the umpires…the best $130 the team has ever spent…Game Two dish ump Nemo Disney even asked for a new navy Cannons jersey of his own, saying the uniforms are the league’s best

5/3 Duds: Calusine for getting ejected in Game Two (Cal stated, “[Bristol] definitely deserved to lose the games, but you can see we’ve lost a step out there. We’re done after this season…though I’ve said that for the last ten years.”…this was the first time an opposing player or manager was ejected in the Cannons’ nine year existence); Connecticut Cannons defense (seven more errors on Sunday making twenty on the season, leading to nineteen unearned runs)