S***SVILLE
Cannons Cough Up Late Lead in Nightcap; Start 0-2 For First Time in Two Seasons

Torrington, CT (AP)—The title of the 2009 Opening Day article was “Splitsville” in which this reporter postulated some splits are good (banana, cheerleader) while other splits are bad (pants, parents). It goes without saying that if a team is on the losing end, all sweeps are bad and unfortunately it was “S***sville” on Sunday in the town of Torrington as the newly re-named West Hartford Cannons dropped a deuce against the Torr-Winchester Rifles, 6-2 and 8-7, to start the expectation-laden championship campaign of 2010 ineffectively. After bringing back thirteen players, the Cannons’ front office spent an active off-season upgrading its roster with the additions of free agents Rob Arkus, Matt Forrest, Nick Macellaro, Rick Sanford, Dave Yanosy, and Steve Yanosy. Cannon Nation anticipated another season of spring and summer Sundays in the sun, relishing realistic Connecticut North Men’s Senior Baseball League (CNMSBL) title aspirations for the hometown team. These moves figured to keep the Cannons ahead of the competition as the 2010 A Division campaign got underway this weekend but the Torr-Winchester Rifles had similar plans in mind when they added hard-throwing rookie Priest Crossman and hard-hitting shortstop Merrill Stumpf to a roster that has proven it can play with anybody in the league since its inaugural A Division campaign in 2007. Both teams battled on this frigid day at Fuessenich Park but in the end the home team was able to walk away with two wins against an improved Cannons team that still seems to be in the process of defining itself, especially on the mound. “We had huge turnover this winter, improving immensely in the process, but so did the Rifles,” said Manager Matt Celio as he spoke with reporters in his post-game press conference. “It’s going to take our team some time to get used to playing with one another. That’s to be expected and despite the outcome we have a better idea of our many strengths and our few weaknesses. We had another big off-season and it became immediately apparent we’ve added some impact players to an already talented roster. The line-up is going to be lethal, a Murderers Row for the New Millennium, our defense is definitely improved (only one unearned run in two games after leading the league with thirty-eight in 2009), and when our pitchers get in the groove we’ll be tough to beat in regular and post-season play. The ball didn’t bounce our way today, and there was more home cooking from the umpires than at a Cracker Barrel restaurant, but we are without question a much scarier team in 2010. 0-2 is not where we wanted or expected to be but there is much more to this team than our spot in the standings right now. When we start firing full-force, watch out. ’10 is going to be a great time to be a citizen of Cannon Nation.”

With 10:00 a.m. temperatures in the low 40s, Game One found new Rifle Crossman atop the mound and only a walk to Macellaro marred a solid first frame. Jim Yanosy was given the ball for West Hartford and Torr-Winchester was able to push a run across in the home half on a lead-off double by Al “The Godfather” Boucino and RBI groundout by Stumpf. Following a leaping play by Macellaro at short to start the second, the bottom of the Rifles line-up went to work as Jim Cooke had a base hit, Howie Longhi walked—both moved up on a passed ball—and René “The French Connection” Lussier singled home a run (a rare miscue by Jason Maule in center as the ball hopped over his glove allowed Longhi to scamper home from second). The Cannons continued to put only a single base runner on in each of the first three frames and Maule’s two-out single in the third marked the first hit given up by Crossman. Conversely, Stumpf singled, Crossman walked, and Danny “Taxi” DiVita ripped a two-run screamer past Drew McDowell at first against Yanosy in the bottom of the third (“Barsa would have had it,” quipped Quinn about flat-footed former first baseman Chris Barsa) to put the Rifles up 3-0. West Hartford finally got on the scoreboard in the top of the fourth as Macellaro doubled, McDowell walked, Quinn had a RBI base hit, and “Louisiana Deceptively Fast” raced home on a Stumpf error on which Josh Svoboda reached safely. However, Crossman was able to escape any further harm, stranding the two Cannons’ base runners on a strike out and a comebacker to the box, maintaining a comfortable three-run cushion. Yanosy (4 IP, 5 R, 4 ER, 8 H, K, 3 BB) reached the team-prescribed seventy-five pitch plateau in the fourth and was removed in favor of Quinn to start the fifth. “Mighty Quinn,” (2 IP, 1 ER, 3 H, 2 K, BB) who famously has had run-ins with Torr-Winchester in the past, served up a first-pitch fastball to Stumpf that was crushed into the factory facade behind the leftfield fence but then settled down, allowing just two hits and a walk to close out his relief appearance. Crossman allowed a second single to Quinn in the sixth but seemed to get stronger as the game continued, striking out the final four batters faced—he had eleven Ks on the day—in securing a complete game victory in his first CNMSBL appearance. Assistant Manager Mike Weber stated briefly between games, “The kid for Torr-Winchester can pitch and we came out a little flat in the opener. We’ve put together a contender and showed some signs of what we can be in Game One, mostly on defense, but we just didn’t have enough to get over the top. It didn’t happen for us in Game One so you simply tip your cap to the Rifles and move on to the next battle.”

Game Two saw West Hartford jump out to an early lead against Torr-Winchester’s Arte Lange behind bona fide Rifle killer Bill Balcerzak who bombed a triple to deep centerfield and Macellaro followed with his first RBI in a Cannons uniform on a base hit. Arkus, an eleventh hour free agent signing on Saturday, singled and it appeared as if the Cannons might blow the game open but Lange struck out Quinn and McDowell, limiting the scoring to 1. Crafty veteran Mike “Old Man of the ‘C’” Patenaude took the hill for the seventh time on Opening Day after missing last season’s set against the Rifles but lacked his usual pinpoint precision (he complained about numbness in a left finger), allowing three straight singles to Dick “Big, Thick, and” DeVanney, Stumpf, and Crossman (this of the RBI variety) before a fielder’s choice to Yanosy at third and a ground ball to McDowell at first ended the threat with the teams knotted at 1. The Cannons offense showed just how scary it can be in the third as Maule, Balcerzak, and Macellaro doubled back-to-back-to-back to give West Hartford a 3-1 advantage (a fourth consecutive two-bag bid by Arkus was snared as Longhi, playing deep after the double-fest, raced back to the leftfield corner, stabbing his glove blindly in the air and making the catch). Mike McGann led off the fourth with a slicing single to right and Maule hit his second double in as many innings to push the Cannons further in front but controversy reared its ugly home-cooked head when the speedy centerfielder rounded third and raced home on a play back to the pitcher off the bat of Macellaro. Maule slipped a hand across the plate as he passed DeVanney but was called out for not touching the dish, causing the mild-mannered Maule to emphatically argue the umpire’s assessment while elder statesman Sanford calmly told the home plate ump he was out of position to make the call (Celio told reporters afterwards, “I’m a lover not a fighter, so it’s great having Rick on board to keep blue in check). Billy Dee Williams, who has had epic battles with Patenaude in the past, led off the fourth and hit a towering foul ball that McDowell was unable to corral. Williams proceeded to pound the next pitch out of the park, cutting into the Cannons lead but West Hartford’s offense responded immediately in the top of the fifth against relief pitcher Woody Magyar as Arkus reached on an error, moved up ninety feet on Quinn’s base hit to left, stole third, and scored as DeVanney’s throw skipped into leftfield (Quinn would come around on a Svoboda double giving Patenaude what appeared to be all the advantage he would need). A lead-off walk to Magyar was followed by a seeing-eye single for Boucino that fell between Macellaro and McGann in shallow left. DeVanney singled to left, loading the bases and then Stumpf gouged a grand slam to left centerfield, knotting the game at 6. Patenaude, battling the elements and less-than-A+ stuff, got two quick outs but a double to Williams and a single by Paul “Have You Ever Seen a Grown Man Naked?” Graves on a 1-2 pitch well off the plate put the Rifles ahead for the first time in the game. Maule and Balcerzak singled to start the sixth and Maule moved to third on a fly ball to center, eventually scoring on an Arkus sacrifice fly to tie things at 7 but a hit from Magyar out of the tenth spot off Patenaude (6 IP, 8 ER, 12 H, K, 5 BB, 2 HBP) was soon followed by a Crossman RBI base hit, giving Torr-Winchester an 8-7 edge. West Hartford went in order in the top of the seventh as Magyar struck out two of the three batters he faced (twenty-one of the forty-two outs came via the K for the Cannons) and the Rifles started the season 2-0 for the first time since 2008. After a pair of hard-fought games West Hartford had nothing more to show for their trouble than nearly was and almost there. “As a team we’re encouraged and discouraged at the same time,” Celio stated. “For the first time out we played pretty solid baseball and we had a great chance to take Game Two. We had lots of scoring opportunities and to be honest it felt like we were up much more than a few runs. We just couldn’t blow the doors off, MP was squeezed by a pair of umps in Graves’ hometown hip pocket, we had trouble with the bottom part of their line-up (the bottom three were 5 for 14 with 4 R, 4 BB, and a RBI), and little bloopers and blunders came back to bite us big time. The old saying is close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades: At the end of the day we’re still staring up at the rest of the league from the cellar of the standings. We’ve got our work cut out for us but we’ll just take things one game at a time. I like my chances with these guys on any given Sunday. Undoubtedly our best baseball of the season is still ahead.”

Round one went to the Rifles on Sunday in a classic confrontation and the CNMSBL’s nationally televised games of the week. But as has been argued on these very pages in the past, championships will not be won or lost on chilly, cloudy April afternoons but rather under the sultry, sunny skies of August. The West Hartford Cannons remain positive as was proved by Assistant Manager Weber posits in the parking lot post-game: “I like the pieces we added this off-season. If we keep teams in the ballpark we will be good to go because our defense is so much better than it’s been in past seasons. We played a couple of close games that just didn’t go our way today, left a few balls up, and the Rifles made them hurt. These results are in no way indicative of what we will do on the field this year. We’ll be there when it really counts in 2010. And I’ll tell you something else, Rookie of the Year is going to be a hotly contested Cannons Award category this season” (after arriving at home several beers and a martini or two later, “The Teutonic Ideal” slurred: “I’m old. I’m out of shape. I offer nothing positive for the Cannons. Otherwise I think we’ve got a great team of awesome guys, both on and off the field. I’m looking forward to playing Newington but right now I’m miserable.”). There is quite a long way to go before CNMSBL season supremacy can be decided in 2010. The assembled talent that has been stockpiled in West Hartford gives this team a fighting chance against any and all rivals. It’s two down for the Cannons currently but there is still plenty of time to one-up the competition before all is said and done. The chase for the Clarke/Clinton Trophy is under way but the regular season race is not run on one weekend but rather over twelve and we are just out of the gate. West Hartford takes on Newington this Sunday at Sacco Stadium at Alumni Field…standing room only seating is available via phone (1 800-CANNONS) or the internet (whcannons.blogspot.com). Better bring your brooms Cannons fans because I smell sweep.

Cannons News and Notes: The Cannons, a notoriously warm-weather team, are a disappointing 2-8 on Opening Day since joining the A Division; West Hartford was out-hit by Torr-Winchester twenty-three to sixteen (Balcerzak, Macellaro, Maule, and Quinn all had multi-hit days, good for thirteen of the sixteen Cannons’ knocks)…DeVanney, DiVita, and Graves, who in the past have called Maule “the most dangerous and feared hitter in the league,” now unanimously agree West Hartford’s top four of Maule, Balcerzak, Macellaro, and Arkus is unparalleled anywhere in the CNMSBL…in a post-game interview, Arkus said of his new team: “Feels great to be here, ready to rock, win some games.” while Macellaro added: “I’m happy to be a part of the Cannons. The guys are great. Today’s conditions weren’t the best to play in but we put up a good effort. I think we have a championship contender here. These were just the first games of the year. With a little more hitting and if we keep pitching and playing defense, we’ll be fine.”; Celio was overheard talking to McGann and Weber about the team’s off-season youth movement: “Fresh legs are apparent. Macellaro’s twenty-eight is a lot different than our forty.” McGann said simply, “Yeah, twelve years different.”…the outfielder went on to say, “Macellaro is [Mike] Calabrese-esque at short.”…the rookie surprised McDowell with several belt-high heat-seeking missiles from short to first; Hot Tub Time Machine: Patenaude told teammates, “I’ve only thrown one inning this off-season and I felt ninety years old after doing so.” The always quick-witted DePalma responded immediately, saying, “You felt that young, huh?”…Patenaude is the last player on the planet to use a Spaulding glove (Sanford stated, “You know whose autograph is in that glove? Roy Hobbs!”…Svoboda called watching The Natural a “rite of spring” and this led to a discussion of the best baseball movies and quotes); A 61* sequel?: McDowell and Weber both questioned calls on three of their combined five strikeouts, saying they “should come with an asterisk”…Billy Crystal is in talks to produce this pet project (3* is the obvious title)…“That pitch was high and outside. Not even close,” said Weber of his whiff…when pitcher Patenaude told him to “take the bat off [his] shoulder,” Weber replied, “Then you would have yelled at me for swinging at a pitch out of the strike zone.”; Right in the lumberyard: Cannons pitchers sawed off three Rifles sticks, including a favorite of Manager Graves, but Cannons batters lost six soldiers to three Rifles right-handers (four by Yanosy alone, a single-day record…amazingly, Yanosy’s favorite bat from spring training sessions actually exploded in his trunk between Friday night and Saturday morning…this is fact, not fiction Ripley’s Believe It or Not! fans); Miller High Life—the Champagne of Beers—was once again named Official Brew of Cannon Nation; Graves and his teammates still refer to their first base coach, # ½ Brain Reese, as “Wee Man” of Jackass fame…(the 6’4” DeVanney told the gathered crowd, “If I put those ‘Mini Ramirez’s’ size 34” W, 12” L game pants on, I’d look like Larry Bird back in the 80s.”…the catcher cockily continued, “The Cannons are single-handedly responsible for depleting the Amazon Rainforest with all of your bats. You’ve got gum, helmets, Cannonade™. Everything except the two wins.”)…the Graves family once again supplied a post-game feast—pizza—for members of both team and “Digger” entertained the congregation as he commented on cutting Don Armatino from his team, unintentionally using a “Gay Joe Pesci” voice to represent “The Donald”; DePalma continued to detail his bedding of 300+ rugby chick “Grippo the Hippo” as Celio discussed plans for a new write-up feature called “Over/Under” because the articles aren’t long enough as is (teammates will be asked a specific question—such as “Who has bedded a 300 pound girl?”—and a Vegas-style line will be provided, seeing if the team is over or under than spread…speaking of spread, “Palm Sunday” said he had to “spread things out like a chasm, a la the one crossed by Luke and Leia in Star Wars” when going at Grippo; Celio was the only Cannon present not to see game action on Opening Day (Tom Luby, Adam Pallone, Dave Yanosy, and Steve Yanosy did not make the trip but the team expects to have some of them available for the Sunday, April 25 match-up against the Capitals)…a $25,000 fine was handed down to Celio by Commissioner Drew “Breakfast Club” Clarke for his “Cracker Barrel” comments about the umps (both ball clubs were warned after Lange and Patenaude plunked players)…“The Mesmerator” Clarke, so nicknamed for his moth-like fluttering knuckleball, will start Game One next Sunday against his former Cannon teammates; Celio and Weber were referred to as the Doublemint Twins in postgame partying; despite continuing talks and a desire to return, Leo “Señor Cinco” Dionicio did not complete the necessary league-mandated paperwork before Opening Day: “[Son] Bryan wants me to play with Rick [Sanford] because he thinks it would be cool to have two dads of Hall High players on the same team (Nick Sanford and the younger Dionicio play for the reigning CCC West Champion Warriors). Wait, am I talking about going back to the Cannons? I must be un masoquista. Why is it that I can’t run away from the damn Cannons? Two game [sic] into the season I will be hitting fifth as an extra hitter while with other teams I would be hitting third and playing wherever I want! (Celio responded to this particular quote with the succinct: “Fifth may be a bit high with all of our upgrades.”). Seriously, I’d love to play for the Cannons again, but I can’t commit at this time. I’ve tried to break up from my current ‘un-contract’ [with another unnamed A Division team] and it’s been like breaking up with a girlfriend. The manager sent me an e-mail asking me if they should get another player to replace me and I replied, ‘YES!’ because I won’t be playing for you. However, days later he was still asking me to submit paperwork. No manager wants to let a proven .400 go that easily, other than [Celio]! I explained that current conditions—kids, sports, school, work, and house hunting—are making this season difficult for me, but he still keeps trying. I just can’t do it now. I will try taking a few weeks off and then go back on the open market. If you think you need me, I will step up and play, but count me out for now. I will train in the meantime and will host a post-game party for the Cannons at my new mansion…hopefully.”…Sanford said, “I’ve only known Leo for a few weeks but he’s high maintenance.”…oh, Mr. Sanford, you have no idea!; both the Cannons and Rifles ordered new caps from Richardson over the off-season…DeVanney said of his team’s black flat-brimmed caps with stickers (brought to you by Heartland Homes), “These are so gansta.” Celio defended his club’s piped and pimped out caps as the best in the business, “We took gangsta all the way back to the Negro League.”…Torr-Winchester’s notorious “Bart Simpson” lids from their first A Division season were voted Worst Caps in League History in a CNN/USA Today poll (Graves proudly plopped the “Rifleman” top on his head at an ’07 winter meeting and Weber immediately asked, “Why is Bart Simpson holding a gun on your hat?”…a crestfallen Graves ordered new caps the following season)…“So bad, blind people hated them,” said an unnamed Rifle; the Cannons hope to unveil 2010’s new navy tops in their triumphant return to Newington, the town they called home for their first four seasons in A Division play, this Sunday (Arkus, in his first game for West Hartford after three successful seasons with Glastonbury, squeezed into #44 size L in the interim and wondered aloud if the team was “hazing the new guy.”…the P/OF will wear #24 this season, replacing Barsa…Macellaro wears #21, last worn by original Cannon John Mancini in the infamous 0 for 19 2008 campaign); the fourth annual Step Up to the Plate Charity Baseball Marathon is scheduled for the Friday and Saturday of Memorial Day weekend (Opening Ceremonies will be held at 6:00 p.m. at Glastonbury’s Riverfront Park on May 28)…the Cannons expect double-digit participation once again (Celio is the only player in league history to play the first seventy-two hours of the event).

4/18 Studs: Balcerzak (3 for 7, 2B, 3B, 2 R, RBI); Macellaro (3 for 6, 2 2B, BB, 1 R, 2 RBI); Maule (4 for 6, 2 2B, BB, 2 R, RBI); Quinn (3 for 6, HBP, R, RBI)

4/18 Duds: The Cannons pitching staff (0-2, 12 IP, 14 R, 13 ER, 23 H, 3 HR, 9 BB, 2 HBP, 2.83 WHIP, .411 BAA, 7.58 ERA); McDowell (0 for 4, 4 K…several misplayed pop-ups in foul territory at first, most notably the one prior to the Williams homer…the team jokingly longed for “Barse” Barsa during Game Two while McDowell challenged Celio to take the spot); J. Yanosy (0 for 7, 5 K…four broken bats); any and all weathermen for the chilly temperatures