TAKE IT TO DA CUBS
Big Guns Pistol Whip Baby Bears; Bring on the Number One Seeded Nats!

Newington, CT (AP)—(To the tune of Farmington’s favorite son, 50 Cent’s “In Da Club”):
Go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go Cannons.
It’s the playoffs.
We gon’ play ball like it’s the playoffs.
We gon’ win it all like it’s the playoffs.
And you know we don’t give a f**k.
You out the playoffs!
The Cannons crushed the Cubs, a team that had no subs.
Sweep a Wild Card set at Alumni Field.
Connecticut’s the A Division’s greatest club.
You know the Cannons are for real!

On Saturday, the Connecticut Cannons started 2009’s postseason journey in resounding fashion, playing what arguably were the most fabulous fourteen innings of all-around baseball in the nine year old club’s storied history, and certainly the team’s most one-sided one-day performance since joining the CNMSBL’s A Division in 2006 by sweeping the Eastern Connecticut Cubs by scores of 3-0 and 22-1 to advance to the Divisional Series against the top-seeded Hartford Nationals at, you guessed it, Old Cannons Yards (West Hartford’s Hall High School). Back in April, many preseason publications, professional prognosticators, and parlor room pundits picked the Cannons as favorites to take the 2009 league title. What wasn’t to like about this battle-tested ball club, a team that last season was one strike away from advancing to its first-ever A Division Championship Series? Connecticut possessed all the necessary pieces to compete at this level: a solid core or fourteen returning players with plenty of playoff experience; brilliant bats in the form of Bill Balcerzak, Tom Clark, Leo Dionicio, Tom Luby, Drew McDowell, and Jason Maule to name just a handful who have become household names to diamond devotees; a dynamic defense, marshaled by mainstays Mike McGann and Kevin Quinn; and a host of heady hurlers, led by lefty Mike Patenaude, who have baffled batting orders from Windsor to Winsted. Add three highly-touted free agent recruits—Rob DePalma, Josh Svoboda, and Jim Yanosy—to round out the roster, along with the league’s most frenzied fan base, and it seemed certain the Cannons could make some noise come August. After an A Division-best regular season, the Boys in Blue felt like favorites entering the eighth month and Sunday’s performance further fostered those feelings as the all-out assault sent shockwaves throughout the state of Connecticut and across the entire baseball world.

After brief inspirational remarks made by Manager Matt Celio alluding to the August success so common to all Cannons clubs, Connecticut’s Patenaude took the mound against his opposite number, Eastern Connecticut’s Clement Dobrinski, in this “Battle of #19s.” Patenaude, as he done so many times in past playoff performances, impressed from the outset, setting the visitors down in order over the first two frames on only seventeen pitches (Clark, slowed considerably by a sore knee, made a great grab on a ball hit over his head in left in the second). Offensively, Connecticut would give “The Old Man of the ‘C’” all the runs he required in the second as Clark singled and courtesy runner “Hairway to Heaven” Balcerzak stole second. “Ragin’ Cajun” McDowell drove in the first run with a base hit (he too would swipe second, one of several steals against first-time third string catcher Cowsill Hare; McGann said of the stone-handed Hare, “I hope he was breaking in a new mitt today.”), Chris “T-Rex” Barsa ripped a run-scoring single to right, and Quinn came around to score on a two-out double by “The Truth” Maule to give the Cannons a three-run cushion. Patenaude, perfect through three-plus, did not allow a runner to reach until Jim Cook singled with two down in the fourth, but the Cubs’ skipper was gunned out by Quinn as he tried to steal second, ending the frame. Gorman “Illegal Alien” Apone led off the top of the fifth with a shot into the left-center gap but Maule rounded up the ball and threw a bullet to Dionicio at second to cut down the lumbering Latino. Connecticut would threaten repeatedly, putting runners in scoring position in each of the first five frames, but was unable to break things open against Dobrinski who was aided by a pair of unassisted double plays on absolute rockets off the big bats of Maule and Clark. Having faced the minimum number of batters through six complete, Patenaude was touched for a two-strike lead-off single by Rogue Moulin and Cook added a one-out base hit that brought the tying run to the plate in the roly-poly form of Apone. However, an amazing play by McGann in right, as he chased a ball a country mile into the corner for a clutch catch, kept the Cannons comfortably in front and Patenaude (7 IP, 0 R, 4 H, 6 K, 0 BB, CG on only seventy-eight seemingly effortless tosses) induced a Taj Van Wilder ground out to short for the complete game shutout and 3-0 victory to open postseason play. “MP has won some huge games for us in nine seasons of playoff pitching performances,” marveled Celio between ball games. “But he was all but untouchable out there today and the defense certainly didn’t disappoint. This guy is big time as he’s proved again and again and when we play perfect defense like we did, we are all but impossible to beat because we know our offense is more than capable of putting up runs.” The Cannons were more than ready to put that capability on full display against the Cubs in game two.

Following pre-game remarks made by Assistant Manager Mike Weber focusing specifically on the financial savings of a sweep, Eastern’s Anheuser Busch (a former Cannons recruit) climbed the hill in a confrontation with Connecticut’s Quinn (making his first postseason start) and this contest would get out of hand in a hurry. Connecticut, in the role of visitors, immediately went to work, sticking it to Busch at every opportunity. Maule led off the game with a patented opposite field double, much to Busch’s dismay, and Dionicio followed with a triple to right that had Brian “Vision Quest” Shutt twisted and tangled (“Señor Cinco” would soon score on a passed ball). Balcerzak doubled, stole third, and scored on Clark’s sacrifice fly to left to match the team’s run total from game one though the scoring was far from over. In the home half of the first, defensive dynamo Dionicio stabbed a line drive shot up the middle by Moulin then Quinn allowed a full count walk to Busch’s brother, Augustus, and a single to Cook, though Maule put on another dazzling defensive display as he threw a flat-footed one-hop strike to Luby at third from deep center to cut down Busch in disbelief (the Cubs’ pitcher, coaching third at the time, blew a gasket, arguing with umpire Jason Rentas, and the Cannons would continue to wax Busch throughout the course of the game). In the top of the second, Connecticut sent ten players to the plate, scoring five times as Quinn singled, McGann walked, Maule had a RBI base hit, and Dionicio ripped his second triple in as many innings, scoring two. Balcerzak singled home “El Latin Lothario” and came home on Clark’s base knock for an early 8-0 advantage that Clark called, “the quickest and quietest eight runs the team has scored” during his two-year tenure. Weber joked, “When your courtesy runner is standing in the on-deck circle and you have to send out a guy who just scored, you know you’re having a good inning.” Busch was able to quiet the Cannons bats for a frame but Quinn avoided any damage in the third after a lead-off walk to Dobrinski, using a strike out on the outside part of the plate that inched Busch closer to the boiling point and a dynamite double play from Balcerzak to Dionicio to Barsa to end the inning. Connecticut banged Busch off the bump in the fourth, adding eight more runs and going from big lead to laugher in fourteen fateful at-bats. Dionicio led off with an inside the park home run, the first postseason poke of his storied Cannons career, Balcerzak singled, and Luby legged out an infield hit as the Cubs fielders conducted what Weber called, “a Chinese fire drill,” each running from the ball and bags so that no play could be made (Connecticut’s inspirational leader injured a hamstring on the hit, the only dark cloud in this silver-lined Saturday, but hopes to be ready for this weekend’s games; team doctors released this statement on Sunday afternoon: “Tom Luby is officially listed as day to day with a deep hamstring pull, though no tears were discovered. His ability to drink the afternoon and evening away on Saturday was extremely encouraging, he will be rehabilitating the leg over the next several days, and he is listed as ‘probable’ for the games against the Nationals.”). Clark worked a walk to load the bases and then the calliope music of the carousel really kicked into gear as Busch was replaced by Van Wilder. McDowell, Barsa, Quinn, Maule, Balcerzak, and Svoboda were all issued RBI free passes—Quinn was plunked on his pitching hand—while Dionicio dropped a single into centerfield that scored McGann after he reached on a fielder’s choice (“Quinnie’s lack of hustle screwed me out of a much-needed hit. He better watch his back because I’m pissed,” fumed a facetiously-irked “Irish Assassin,” the only Cannons starter to go hitless on the day). Quinn cruised through the fourth—striking out Busch looking to finish the frame, leading to his massive meltdown and eventual ejection that left the Cubs with only eight players—and fifth though Connecticut’s offense was briefly silenced as Weber and Celio provided bookend strike outs against relief pitcher Apone (Celio, one of only two Cannons without a whiff on the regular season said to Luby and McGann in the dugout, “I got something in my eye on the pitch, I swear!”; Patenaude, the other K–less Cannon, went down swinging twice on Saturday). Following a phone call from Celio to vacationing A Division President Mike Clinton confirming the league’s lack of a postseason mercy rule, Maule tripled to left to start the sixth and scored on a Dionicio ground out for the seventeenth Cannons’ tally. The Cubs started their “comeback” in the home half of the inning as Apone, Van Wilder, and Shutt all singled, and Hare had his team’s lone RBI on a ground ball to Svoboda at third (the first year player replaced Luby in the field after his injury). The Cannons added five runs in the top of the final frame as Rob DePalma singled (Weber entered as a courtesy runner), Quinn had a base hit, and Celio doubled to left scoring his coaching consigliere. Maule walked to load the bases, Dionicio doubled in all three runs, hitting for the cycle in the process, and Svoboda had a RBI single to push the twenty-second and final run of the contest across the plate. Quinn (7 IP, 1 R, 1 ER, 6 H, 6 K, 4 BB, CG) got grounders to Barsa at second and Svoboda at third as several Connecticut players swapped positions in the final innings to end the most lopsided game in Cannons’ history, a 22-1 massacre and mounting of the Baby Bears. As promised, payback most assuredly was a b***h for the Eastern Connecticut Cubs. Weber said of the incomparable Quinn: “KQ was superb and, according to his own assessment, he didn’t even have his best stuff which is scary since he only surrendered the one run. He has given us top of the rotation innings over the past two Sundays and has been a real difference maker for us this season. Our rotation is that much better with Kevin, Mike, Tom, and Jim. It’s a real luxury in the postseason to have trusted arms at our disposal. And I can assure you the Cannons are a team that likes to ‘pound Busch’ at every opportunity!” Celio concluded his postgame press conference with the following comments: “Mike and Kevin pitched with chips on their left and right shoulders respectively and were unbelievable on the mound, twelve strike outs means we don’t have to make every play in the field and as a result our defense played the best it has all season, including some spectacular plays at a number of positions, and the bats have been booming since being shut out by the Cubbies at the end of July. We’re coming together in all aspects of the game and we showed what kind of team we can be when we get solid contributions from everybody on the roster. That is what has made us successful in the past and will be the key to a long postseason run over the next three weekends. We’re playing with the consistency and confidence that has been a trademark of Cannons Baseball for the better part of nine seasons, especially at this time of year. This was a terrific brand of baseball, a lot more than survive and advance today, and we live to play another day. The things that made us so solid on Saturday—clutch hitting regardless of the number of outs, near-perfect pitching including putting the Cubs’ lead-off batters in the book inning after inning (ten times in two games), key defensive plays that averted any and all rally attempts, combined and manifested as that certain Cannons’ je ne sais quoi—are the things that will carry us to the A Division crown. If we play ball the way we’re capable of, anything and everything is possible. Our goals haven’t changed since April and we’ll still be playing next weekend while two teams will be watching on television. The title is right there for the taking and playing the top seed is not a spot that will intimidate us in any way, shape, or form. Don’t make the mistake of counting the Cannons out.”

(More from “Fitty’s” hard-thumping seminal single)
And you should love it way more than you hate it.
Cubbies you mad? I thought you’d be happy we made it.
We’re the Guns with the beers, toasting the good life.
This ain’t the same Cannons team you played two weeks ago, right?
When the Cannons get to August in the playoffs it’s on.
You want a three-game series but after only two you’re gone.
The Cannons’ fuse is on fire, let the mother*****r burn.
The one-seed Nats up next, homie we ain’t concerned.
It’s the eighth month, the time the Cannons switch their style up.
If opponents hate then let ‘em hate.
Just watch the wins pile up.
Celebrate a championship with some bottles of bub.
You know where we f*****g be.
Say goodbye to the Cubs.
C-UNIT!

It has been said that revenge is a dish best served cold, and this Cubbies concoction cooled considerably over the past two weeks rendering that pair of rancid regular season losses meaningless as Connecticut’s season continues while Eastern Connecticut’s came to a crashing halt. Celio echoed his sentiments from two weeks ago, when the results were far different: “We’re as talent-laden as any team in the league and today we put all the pieces together against a team we owed butt kicking: you saw the swagger that makes us such a tough out each and every August stamped all over these two. I knew our guys would remember the losses against the Cubs and use what we learned to our advantage. Today our play spoke for itself, and it spoke volumes as we hoped it would. Saturday was everything we expected it to be and now we get a whack at the one next week when I count on us playing classic Cannons Baseball yet again. Seeding means nothing to us now: we’re one of eight teams still playing with a chance to win a championship. A title’s still on our to-do list.” August is upon us and, as chronicled on these pages previously, the eighth month brings optimism and often outstanding outcomes for the Connecticut Cannons. It is now crystal clear this team has the necessary firepower to compete for and ultimately capture the CNMSBL’s Clarke-Clinton Trophy in 2009. Seats for all second round games across the league have been sold out for months, though standing room only tickets will be available to the public at all venues thirty minutes before game time. Follow the simulcast live on the web at ctcannons.blogspot.com. Beating Hartford will be a National treasure. Let the hunt for BLUE August continue. Championship or bust!

Cannons News and Notes: The Cannons combined regular and postseason record of 11-11 marks the first time the team has been at .500 this late in a campaign since joining the A Division in 2006; game one was the first A Division playoff home game for the Cannons (another first: McGann used the Alumni Field parking lot rather than climbing over and under fences to reach the diamond…Luby said it was lucky that Juan Checo and Drew Clarke had been released earlier in the season since neither would have fit through the field’s famous “fencing for supermodels”); all fourteen Connecticut players logged significant playing time on Saturday, including rookies DePalma and Svoboda each recording his first postseason hit; the Cannons’ batting averaged skyrocketed from an even .300 in the regular season to a fiery .422 if first-round action, a sign the team is getting hot at the right time yet again; after two contests, seven of fourteen batters have a combined playoff OPS of 1.167 or better (Balcerzak, Celio, Clark, DePalma, Dionicio, Maule, and Svoboda); Connecticut has outscored opponents 52 to 7 in four games this August and is 4-0 since Celio switched to the red Cannons Baseball pencil; top to bottom production: Maule, Dionicio, and Balcerzak—the team’s top third of the line-up—each had five hits on Saturday, while Clark, Luby, McDowell, and Quinn chipped in with two apiece; following his father’s offensive outburst and error-free play at second, Brian “El Hijo del Heartthrob de Hispaniola” Dionicio, who as recently as two weeks ago stated simply, “My Dad sucks,” said with a sigh of relief, “I can finally call you my father!”…Dionicio and his family attended the premier of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra on Friday evening (Clark, unaware of the movie’s official release date, asked “El Dominican Dreamboat” if he “saw a bootleg Park Road version” of the film, adding, “I get a lot of CDs and DVDs from there.”; the three triples by Dionicio (2) and Maule (1) were two more than the team had over the course of the entire regular season campaign (Barsa’s triple against Bristol was Connecticut’s only three-bagger of the regular season); Barsa took complete credit for Dionicio’s outstanding offense, telling the player who put the “Grrr” in free-swinger before game two to, “set a small strike zone and only look for fastballs.”…who knew it was so simple?!; McDowell was the only Cannon thrown out by Hare, earning him the new nickname “Louisiana Deceptively Slow”; McDowell and wife Barbara celebrated their twelfth anniversary on Saturday (“Drew Diesel” had to fight to attend the playoff pair but when he was asked about how this would impact night in New York City, the first baseman said, “I’m still gonna get some.”)…Adam “Bomb” Pallone and wife Laure celebrated their first anniversary over the weekend as well; for the first time, Newington native Barsa hosted teammates at a post-game party…Celio, DePalma, Luby, McGann, and Weber joined “T-Rex” at his bachelor pad (Barsa has offered use of his deck after next weekend’s win as well); several players visited Plan B, The Spigot, and the rooftop at The Elbow Room after the sweep (all three are official sponsors of the 2009 Connecticut Cannons playoffs)…bring out the brooms again: Managers Celio and Weber swept a pair from Barsa and DePalma in darts…McGann informed teammates that, “If I can fit a girl’s full butt in my hand, I’m down with it.”…McGann also alerted all interested parties that he is not a huge fan of anal sex, saying, “I’d go with one of the other holes, not specific, that’s just the way it goes.”…“The Mayor of Manville” became even less likely to “Go Greek” after he heard that Farrah Fawcett’s cancer might have been caused by backdoor love…McGann, hit by Hartford’s Kevin Rival early in the season, promises retribution, expecting “big damage” from himself and the rest of the Cannons offense; Drew “Breakfast Club” Clarke, a Cannons cast-off picked up by the Capitals in May, allowed just one run in five-plus innings against the Torr-Winchester Rifles in the second game of their Wild Card weekend series (the Little Guns got to Caps relievers for eleven in the sixth after Clarke ran out of gas)…Paul “Digger” Graves spoke with Celio on Saturday afternoon, saying, “You made a mistake in player personnel, bro. Drew threw ‘The Mesmerizer’ to us all day long. Trying to hit him is like trying to hit a fluttering moth.”…Newington, following a first game forfeit and with just nine players for game two, was forced to use the corpulent Clarke as a hitter…Graves added, “I don’t know if you’re a Star Wars fan, but I’ve never seen Jabba the Hutt run the bases before [Saturday].”…Winsted takes on Clinton, John “Fore” Skinner, and the rest of the second seeded Glastonbury G-Men in round two action on Saturday (Marlborough [3] hosts Windsor [6] while Suffield [4] is home against Bristol [5]); Mayne Man: Kenny “Mayne Street” Mayne, essence of ESPN, Avon resident, and close personal friend of Tom Luby, contacted Celio on Saturday after the wins with his intentions to join the Cannons in 2010: “I’m good for one inning of pitching per weekend. I’m there for my arm, not my bat.”…the pitcher plans to wear number 29 to which Celio replied, “Some people have great numbers, still others make numbers great,” invoking a Coach John Robinson reference to then Rams running back Eric Dickerson circa 1983…several Cannons hope that the Mayne signing will entice Baseball Tonight’s John Kruk to commit to the club, as all agreed he’d be fun to drink with…Mayne’s book, An Incomplete and Inaccurate History of Sport, rated a 5-stars smash by reviewers at barnesandnoble.com is available on-line at a member’s discount of $19.96…Mayne would become the only Cannon to have appeared on Dancing With the Stars and would be the only player who Stacy Keibler’s lips have appeared on…I’m still trying!; the team has twenty-four tickets for a luxury box at Dodd Stadium in Norwich for a contest between the Akron Aeros and Connecticut Defenders for this Thursday (August 13) at 6:35…Barsa, DePalma, and McGann hope to compete in Can You Dig It?, a Sox Appeal-esque game show in which each player gets to lavish their love on the lovely Liz (she of man hands and meatloaf turkey fame), the object of McGann’s odd affections a few weeks back, for three innings each on Thursday evening…“PETA”—known to Liz as Mike “McCan’t” after his failed flirtations—is not pleased with the premise of the pilot episode: “I never thought I’d live to see the day Barsa wanted someone I rejected.”; fourteen of seventeen ballots for the 2009 Cannons Awards were received in the five days following the regular season finale (polls closed at 11:59 p.m. on Friday, August 7 and awards will be presented at Jocktoberfest ‘09…date and time TBA)…thank you for your votes!

8/8 Studs: the Connecticut Cannons: offense (25 runs on 27 hits, eleven of them for extra bases, along with 14 free passes), defense (1 insignificant error in Game Two after a flawless Game One), and pitching (1 run on 10 hits, only 4 free passes, 12 strike outs, 2 CG, 2 W); Balcerzak (5 for 7, 2 2B, 2 BB, 3 R, 2 RBI, 4 SB); Dionicio (5 for 6, 2B, 2 3B, HR—the first-ever Cannons cycle—4 R, 8 RBI in Game Two); Maule (5 for 7, 2 2B, 3B, 2 BB, 5 R, 4 RBI, 2 SB); Patenaude (7 IP, 0 R, 4 H, 6 K, 0 BB, CG shutout, W); Quinn (7 IP, 1 ER, 6 H, 6 K, CG, W)

8/8 Duds: the Eastern Connecticut Cubs, going from swept to inept in the matter of a fortnight